"she believed she could, so she did"

For my 21st birthday at the start of the year, my parents gave me a bracelet. Engraved on it are the words "she believed she could, so she did" In the dark and in the light, these words have travelled with me everyday. These words have guided me forward along my journey, no matter where I've been... Wales, Italy, America, Patagonia and all the other places in-between. On my wrist I have a constant reminder of my strength - even when I have felt weak. And in my heart I have a constant reminder of my parents love - no matter how far apart we are. My parents and family have given me the roots - the strength to hold myself still and steady in an ever-changing and unpredictable world but also the branches to grow and to flourish.  To be whoever and whatever I wish to be. If only I'm brave enough to believe...

Because...

I was lost. I was so lost... climbing through the dark forests of my mind. The walls I built myself. The restrictions I placed on my body. The box I put myself into. There seemed to be no way out. I was well and truly stuck. I had no strength to climb out. No energy. Limbs of lead and a mind of dread. 

Now I can look back and smile at what I thought I wanted. The stupidity of the life I was living. The guilt, the shame. The constant comparison. Now I look back and remember most of all, just how constantly hungry I felt. That isn't anyway to live a life. The isn't any way to exist. There is so much more to life than the shape of your body. What matters most is the shape of your mind.

Maybe I didn't go through all that for nothing. Maybe it's a chapter of my story that I'm ashamed of... but it's still part of the book. Without it I wouldn't be me. Without it I wouldn't now be so free. 

I was running on empty. 

Now the tank is full. No offense to me, but what the hell do I think I was doing? 

Choosing to change. Choosing to put more forkfuls of food in my mouth, choosing to be more than just skin and bone, choosing to break the cycle - it was the hardest decision. But once there was a tiny tiny crack, soon all the walls I had built myself came tumbling down and the light came pouring in. And just how golden is the sunlight? How warm and amazing it feels, to love and accept yourself, as you are - even when you are still growing. Even when you are not yet where you want to be. When you are still on your journey. You cannot live your life constantly at war with yourself. We live in a rainbow of chaos. How beautiful it is to try to understand the colours of your mind and to leave your fear behind.

I was basically starving myself. Barely eating breakfast, surviving off of a piece of fruit at lunch time or a scrap of lettuce and then letting myself eat a meal in the evening... because I had "earned it" after being "good" and "healthy" all day. It wasn't sustainable. Of course it wasn't. The weight fell off me. I became skin and bone. Honestly sometimes it hurt to sit down because my bones were sticking out so far and I had no healthy cushioning skin. It took me a long time to see what I was doing to myself. To see that being so stick skinny was unhealthy. To see that missing your period for almost 2 years isn't normal. To see that being so tired and so goddamn hungry all the time isn't the way to live your life. It took me a long time to wake the hell up, to stop being so stubborn and to start to try to dig myself out of the hole before it became too late.

But somehow I have done it. Now I'm sat here writing this in the company of some chocolate which I'm nibbling as I go along. And no I'm not eating this chocolate because I have "earned it". I'm eating it because I want to eat it and enjoy it. Simple as that. There are no worrying thoughts in my head about how fat I'll become after a few pieces of a sugary treat. Tomorrow I won't have to skip breakfast and lunch all together because I'm eating these calories now. I'll eat a big bowl of porridge for breakfast before going to work. I'll go running and then come back home to a cup of coffee and a snack before also eating lunch. For some you won't see how much of a step forward this is but for me this is huge.

As I wrote before in my previous blog post, I don't know exactly why I went through this period of many many months barely eating, but maybe it was just something I had to go through. I had to break to realise how strong I can be. It's okay to be confused, to be stressed, to be a mess. But it's not okay to stay like it. I've said it before and I'll say it again - you can't spend your life living at war with yourself. You've got to rediscover your healthy balance. The place where you glow. The place where you allow yourself to grow, to become better. It doesn't happen over night and you can't do it alone. But you can do it. It's a beautiful feeling when you choose being real over being perfect.

If I think back to this time last year. I was struggling. I was on crutches, nursing another stress response after a summer of running fast without fueling properly. Again I hit the brick wall, and I had to stop. Stop running, stop moving, stop, stop, stop. And only because it was something I had brought on myself. I'm not here to throw a self pity party. I don't want sympathy. I'm here because I have come out the other side and if I can help someone in any little way by sharing this story then I see that I didn't go through all that self centered crap for nothing.

Because really how ridiculous was I being. There are people starving all over the planet, people without a roof over their heads, living in the streets. So many people less fortunate than me and here I was spending my days stressing over the fact that I thought if I ate one more forkful of food, I would become fat and not be able to run fast. Maybe it's a result of the privileged society we live in - the fact that so many people feel like they should already have their life "figured out", to have control over every tiny aspect. But if this year has taught me anything it's to just relax and break away from the obsession. To be free.

So much has changed over the past 12 months for me. I've moved out of my home with my family. I'm living alone for the first time in my life. I'm living in a different country. I've changed jobs. I've changed running clubs. And that's only a few. There are so many other changes that moving to Italy has brought about. However the biggest change has been in my mind.

I'm learning to not be so hard on myself for feeling lost, confused or like I haven't achieved what I wanted to achieve. I'm learning to surround myself with truths. We're all human, we all make mistakes, we all mess up sometimes. This is okay. I'm learning healing is a process that takes time and feeling. Life is journey. As long as you are moving, you are doing okay.

I'm learning that I'm so much more than how fast I can run. I'm so much more than the number on the weighing scales. There's is so so so much more to life than being able to run fast. Yes okay - you can run fast... you can win a race. You can cross the finish line in first place with a big smile on your face. Maybe that will make you happy for a short while but if you are not happy in yourself; if you are not strong and balanced in your mind then the happiness this success brings is short-lived. Yes being able to run fast makes me feel happy, but there is so much more to my internal happiness than this. I'm learning to love the process of everyday small victories. To feel both grounded and free. To smile despite the mistakes I've made.

Everyone is on their own journey, everyone has their own personal steps to take. But sometimes you need a little helping hand from the people around you. Ultimately we are all connected. We can grow and flourish by lifting others. This is what makes us human. The connections we share are what makes life wonderful. We are all part of the whole. Let's raise each other up, finding the light fostering within yourself and the people around you. It is like this that we can all grow and ultimately glow in each others light. I feel so grateful for the people who have surrounded me and made this year so wonderful. The new friends made, the old friendships strengthened and the moments we have all shared. It would be impossible to name everyone but thank you all... for sharing this journey and for being who you are.

And so what now?

2019 is nearly at a close and so many things have happened. I've had so many highs and so many lows as we all have, but I've learnt to move with the flow. Malonno is now where I live and I couldn't feel more at home here. I feel so lucky and fortunate to be living this life. To wake up each morning and to see the mountains reaching up to the sky constantly humbled by their strength and beauty. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that this is my life now. To have been welcomed so warmly by the people here and to have found a second family. To be teaching English in local schools and to be opening up my mind to the Italian language... piano piano, I'm getting there. Soon I will heading back to Wales to spend Christmas with my family and I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone at home in Wales again before my parents and brother come to Malonno in the new year. Hopefully they will then be able to understand why I've chosen this life.

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nothing quite like a rainy sleepy sunday for reflection before you again pack your bags turn your feet in a new direction 2019 Gran Canaria - Colorado - France - Switzerland - & now my home in Italy what a year it's been all i've seen not what's been done but everything overcome little by little one travels far 🦋 Next stop... Patagonia 📌 the place which makes you bo(u)lder 📷 @wackera #dreamersdisease #mountainstateofmind #stepsandstories #mountainrunning

A post shared by Heidi Davies (@heididavies98) on Nov 3, 2019 at 10:56am PST

2017 - I first had this crazy dream. To make Malonno my home.

2019 - It's a reality.

Yes I'm that crazy girl from Wales who decided to change her life completely and move to a small town in the Northern Italian mountains. The girl who decided that she could be stronger than her fear. The girl who decided to go for it. Because why not? You never know what's coming next. But what an adventure it is... the dreaming, the living, the doing, the finding out. Take chances, take so many chances... because in the end it will always work out the way it should. You'll be where you're meant to be.

I can't get enough of this simple life.

Some things take insane bravery. But after that, you'll be free.

2019... long live all the magic we made.

Until 2020...

Lots of love

Heidi xxx

changes



October
the season of change
a life rearranged

autumn
late afternoon sun
casting long shadows
over the earth
the damp soil
beneath your fingers
as you clear away
unwanted grass and weeds
the preparation
for next years' harvest

october days
it's the smoky smell
of roasting chestnuts
drifting on the calm breeze
the trickle of dead leaves
dancing in glee
a newfound burst of life
playing with gravity
before kissing the ground
lightly
softly softly
in contrast
to the thudding chestnuts
tumbling down
with a bang

it's learning to live alone
to love your solitude
to not feel lonely
to gaze upwards
to the blue sky
the mountains way up high
and to feel alive

it's the sticky dough
you knead with your fingers
praying your attempt
at your first sour dough loaf
will not be in vain
it's the flour
you manage to spread
all over the kitchen
and consequently
traipse all over the house
to accompany the mud
you've already brought in
from the garden

it's the phone call
you make to your mother
on her 50th birthday
the distance between you
nothing compared
to the connection
love and affection
you share

it's the clockwork
half hour chime
of the church bells
knowing odecla is always
a few seconds early
adding a counterpoint
to the cowbells
a constant
melody of life
in the valley
“ciao”
“bouna corsa"
barking dogs

it's the crunch of dry leaves
beneath your feet
as you bounce
along the narrow paths
through the woods
just hoping
one day
you may be so lucky
to come
eye to eye with
the famous bear
or maybe even a tiger

it's the gush of the streams
in summer -
dry as a bone
but now with torrents of rain
nothing remains the same

it's the slip away of the sun
slowly
tentatively
and then all at once
sliding behind the mountains
dipping the valley into dusk
and all too soon
the darkness of night
when you light your candles
read your books
drink your tea
and feel so free
to do as you please

it's learning to grow up
to be honest
with who you are
to follow your heart
to live the life you imagined
the thrall of the unfamiliar

it's trusting the timing
of your life
and trusting
in the kindness of strangers
in this place

it's in the gelato
the pumpkin pizza
tiramisù
coffee
you eat and drink
with new found friendships built
even across the language barrier

it's being so grateful
for the acceptance
and welcome 
you've experienced
these people
taking you
under their wing
it's being full of gratitude
for the life
you've found here

it's the sleepy
silence draped
over the town
like a warm cosy blanket
at 4pm
on a late sunday afternoon

it's craving the simple life
knowing very little is needed
to be happy
and content
wandering
and wondering
living close to the earth
knowing your own
and each others' worth
connections
possibilities
reaching out
castles in the air
towers of dreams
sky high
there's no map for this
the fortress
of your imagination
boundless
unique and pure
 
october
it's knowing
within the lingering light
dreams can take flight
 
it's knowing here
the warmth felt
deep in your bones
is real and whole
here is where you are meant to be
here you are home

Ciao Malonno... Questo è per TE...

Monday afternoon... Here I stand, in the centre of the Piazza Repubblica. If I close my eyes I can hear a wall of noise, cheers, laughter. My blistered feet are planted in this square, but my head is way up high. High above it all, in the clouds rising above this special place. This place called Malonno. The home of mountain running. The home of the champions. Malonno. Here - I'm home. 

Malonno, Malonno, Malonno. Last year I wrote you a letter. I thought I had said it all. You had given me so much - I wanted to show you and to give a little bit back.

"Alex… you said you trusted me with a key to the hostel. I'm sorry to admit at the end of our stay I forgot to give it back. I can only apologise but maybe this is a sign. A piece of Malonno will always be with me. I have the key. Ever since I first came to Malonno in 2017 I've had the key because Malonno has opened doors within me. It will always continue to do so. You told me and it is true; Malonno is my home. Now this key will stay with me until next year. Everyday I will remember. I will live the emotions once more." 2018 - A Letter to Malonno

Malonno has taken a huge chunk of me and made it it's own. Without Malonno, I'm not sure how I would have grown. Without Malonno, I wouldn't be strong. And so once again, I don't know where to begin. I don't have the words to describe these feelings and the emotions you have given me but somehow, I know I have to try. Because Malonno has taught me that if you have the courage to try, your wildest dreams can come true. You just have to believe.

Malonno is magic. And this is how we feel @thepianorunner 🤩 https://t.co/nD4jM3tOHX

— Francesco Puppi (@fra_puppinho) August 4, 2019

Flashback to the past year. It's been a rocky rocky road full of injury, health issues and self doubt. Unfortunate as I may have been to have suffered from two bone related injuries over the past two winters, I'm fortunate in the fact that within all the pain I found my strength. My strength was Malonno. Infact Malonno is my strength. To just think about Malonno and the days I spent here in 2017 and 2018 was the strength I needed to get me through dark times. Being here now is all I need. Because here I have found my strength. Here I am strong. Because yes, here, I'm home. 

2017... only the beginning

The last time I was at the finish line of the PizTriVertical I was fearing for my life. I kid you not. Just ten days ago whilst at the summit of PizTri, the weather took a turn for the worst and I found myself engulfed in a huge storm. Thunder crashing over my head and lightning just a few hundred meters away made my heart rate rise for sure and I fled back down the mountain in wild terror. Being struck by Saturday's symphony of noise from the passionate mountain running fans was a welcome change from being pelted by hailstones almost the size of golf balls. 

Even when it feels like your heart is going to burst out of your chest; it's impossible not to give it your all when there are people screaming for you to push harder and the cowbells ring out. Somehow this wall of noise helps you to rise above the pain and arriving at the finish line completely destroyed is the only way.

And so PizTriVertical... Yes you know; it's brutal, but it's brilliant. A place where records fall and winners surge past their opponents in well calculated, thrilling ways. Who needs thunder and lightning when you have the spirit of mountain running sparking up the sky?

Saturday night, I tossed and turned. Sleep wasn't coming easy. My mind already anticipating the magical call of FlettaTRAIL. My legs already wanting to be there. To pass through the small villages, Lezza, Moscio, Loritto and the rest. To stride out, riding on the wave of the magic you can only feel during this classic mountain race. My mind was ready but there were doubts; would my body be able to hold out? My father told me to go with my head, not my heart. My heart would always want to push along these tracks of the historic mountain race to honour with my best effort, but my head didn't want any more injuries. Can I be strong? You have to put away your doubts; leave them behind. With a deep breath and a bit of belief... the answer can only be yes. Malonno is after all where I belong.

FlettaTRAIL 2019, a flow which only seemed to grow and to build with every stride I took along the paths of the race. I tried to use every cheer, every shout, every scream to give me the energy I needed to run with my heart as fast as I could; up, up, up... down, down, down... The blisters forming on my feet wouldn't stop me. Surfing on this wave of energy of Malonno, the country of the mountain race, I was rising. 

On Sunday, history was written, records were broken. Cesare Maestri is the dominant King of this race. The King of Malonno and the moment was his. 

And me? I still don't understand how I ran so fast, how I felt so strong and how after so many winter months of struggle and setbacks; how I was so close to the women's record. But what I do know is that I dedicate this victory to Malonno. This victory is for you. It's for every person spectating, for every person racing, for every runner I shared the trails with and ran alongside on that day - you pushed me and helped me more than you'll ever know. It's for every organiser, all the staff who create such a wonderful event. For Alex Scolari, a special mention... the guy who first planted these dreams in my heart here in 2017. It's for every hug, every hand shake, every high five, every smile and every tear, every fear, every dream. This is for everything Malonno represents. The home of mountain running. The home of the champions. Malonno. My victory is yours.

 

So what now? The weekend is over. The 2019 PizTri Vertical and FlettaTRAIL chapter is finished, but the story is still being written. I'm still here in Malonno, living my dreams. 

And so I ask you... I'm reaching out to the town of Malonno with open arms and an open heart. Can you help me once more? I'm here for the summer but it's a dream to stay here in the country of the mountain race; Italy, Malonno. My dream is to create a life out here. To build on the foundations that Malonno and FlettTRAIL have already given me. To make Malonno my real home. A place to live, a job, training along these trails, making more friends, gaining strength, gaining life... of course I'm only dreaming. But as you and I both know; with dreams, anything can be possible. You are always just one decision away from a totally different life and this is the Malonno mountain life I'm choosing. I believe this is the path I must take. Maybe some people will think I'm crazy; but Malonno put me under it's spell in 2017 and ever since then I'm dreaming... and now after the past weekend, I'm dreaming more than ever. 

And so, if you see me wandering around the streets, running along the trails, biking up the hills, eating gelato, drinking coffee please come and say "Ciao!". I'd love to make many more friends and share many more special moments with this unique passionate community of Malonno. 

Now I'm here, alone in the square. Within this silence and the stillness - I know there's a place for me. It's the calm after the storm. The weekend events may have passed but the mountains all around echo with the memories. Just like the way my body hums with the aliveness and warmth you have given me. The spirit of Malonno holds the runners up; makes us greater and into something more than ourselves. Without the fans there would be no show. In Malonno, I am more myself than I have ever been. Malonno is the journey. Malonno is the destination. Malonno is the way we are feeling... and that feeling is magic. 

Malonno è la mia casa...

Grazie mille Malonno! 

Questo è per TE!

Read more : http://www.corsainmontagna.it/2019/08/03/infinita-mayr-sgasata-aymonod-che-roba-il-piztri/

http://www.corsainmontagna.it/2019/08/04/immenso-maestri-e-record-al-flettatrail-heidi-davies-magica-impresa/

https://www.inov-8.com/blog/heidi-davies-anything-is-possible/

  

(Photographs used in this post, courtesy of http://www.corsainmontagna.it/ , TrackArena, Ariel Pilatti, www.flettatrail.it )

In Italiano ... With huge thanks to Comune di Malonno and Giovanni Ghirardi for the translation.

Ciao Malonno questo è per TE!

Lunedì pomeriggio ... eccomi qui, nel centro di Piazza Repubblica. Se chiudo gli occhi posso sentire il frastuono, gli applausi, le risate. I miei piedi con le vesciche sono ben piantati in questa piazza, ma la mia testa vola molto in alto. In alto sopra tutto, tra le nuvole che si alzano sopra questo posto speciale. Questo posto si chiama Malonno, la casa della corsa in montagna, la casa dei campioni. Malonno, qui io sono a casa.

Malonno, Malonno, Malonno. L'anno scorso ti ho scritto una lettera, pensavo di aver detto tutto. Mi hai dato così tanto, volevo dimostrarti e restituirti qualcosa.

 "Alex ... hai detto che ti fidavi di me affidandomi la chiave dell'ostello, mi dispiace ammettere che alla fine del nostro soggiorno ho dimenticato di restituirla. Posso solo scusarmi ma forse questo è un segno, un pezzo di Malonno sarà sempre con me, ho la chiave! Sin da quando sono arrivata a Malonno, per la prima volta nel 2017, ho avuto la chiave perché Malonno ha aperto le porte dentro di me, continuerà sempre a farlo. Me l'hai detto ed è vero; Malonno è la mia casa. Ora questa chiave resterà con me fino al prossimo anno, lo ricorderò ogni giorno, vivrò ancora una volta le emozioni ". 2018 - Una lettera a Malonno

Malonno ha preso un’enorme parte di me e l'ha fatta propria. Senza Malonno, non sono sicura di come sarei cresciuta. Senza Malonno, non sarei forte. E così, ancora una volta, non so da dove cominciare, non trovo le parole per descrivere queste sensazioni ed emozioni che mi hai dato, ma in qualche modo, so che devo provare. Perché Malonno mi ha insegnato che se hai il coraggio di provare, persino i tuoi sogni più folli possono avverarsi, devi solo crederci.

Flashback dell'anno passato. È stata una strada in salita piena di infortuni, problemi di salute e dubbi. Per quanto sia stata sfortunata per aver sofferto per due lesioni alle ossa negli ultimi due inverni, mi ritengo fortunata per aver trovato la mia forza in questo dolore. La mia forza è stata Malonno. Di fatto Malonno é la mia forza. Pensare a Malonno e ai giorni trascorsi qui nel 2017 e nel 2018 è stata la forza di cui avevo bisogno per superare i momenti bui. Essere qui adesso è tutto ciò di cui ho bisogno, perché qui ho trovato la mia forza, Qui sono forte, perché sì, qui, sono a casa.

L'ultima volta che sono stata al traguardo del PizTriVertical ho temuto per la mia vita, non scherzo. Appena dieci giorni fa, mentre ero in vetta al PizTri, il tempo ha preso una brutta piega e mi sono ritrovata avvolta in una grande tempesta. Il rumore dei tuoni sopra la mia testa e la luce dei lampi a poche centinaia di metri di distanza hanno sicuramente fatto aumentare il battito cardiaco costringendomi ad una folle discesa giù dalla montagna in preda al terrore.

Essere colpiti dalla sinfonia del rumore di sabato da parte degli appassionati di corsa in montagna è stato un gradito cambiamento dall'essere bersagliati da chicchi di grandine grandi quasi quanto palline da golf.

Anche quando sembra che il tuo cuore esploda dal tuo petto; è impossibile non dare il massimo quando ci sono persone che gridano per farti spingere più forte a suon di campanacci. In qualche modo questo frastuono ti aiuta a superare il dolore e arrivare al traguardo completamente distrutto è l'unico modo.

E così PizTriVertical ... Si sa, è brutale, ma è geniale. Un luogo in cui i record si susseguono e i vincitori superano gli avversari in modi ben calcolati ed entusiasmanti. Chi ha bisogno di tuoni e fulmini quando si ha lo spirito della montagna che scintilla fin su nel cielo?

Sabato sera mi giro e rigiro, addormentarsi non è facile. La mia mente viaggia, sento la chiamata magica del FlettaTRAIL. Le mie gambe vogliono già essere lì, passare attraverso i piccoli borghi, Lezza, Moscio, Loritto e il resto. Andare avanti, cavalcando l'onda della magia che puoi sentire solo durante questa classica gara di montagna. La mia mente era pronta ma c'erano dei dubbi; il mio corpo sarebbe stato in grado di resistere? Mio padre mi ha detto di seguire la testa, non il cuore. Il mio cuore vorrebbe spingermi lungo le piste di questa storica gara di montagna per onorarla con il mio massimo sforzo, ma la mia testa non vuole più infortuni. Posso essere forte? Devi mettere da parte i tuoi dubbi, lasciarli indietro. Con un respiro profondo e un po' di convinzione ... la risposta può essere solo sì! Dopotutto il mio posto è qui, a Malonno.

FlettaTRAIL 2019, un flusso che cresceva e aumentava ad ogni passo lungo il percorso della gara. Ho cercato di usare ogni sorriso, ogni strillo, ogni urlo, per darmi l'energia di cui avevo bisogno per correre con il cuore il più velocemente possibile; su, su, su ... giù, giù, giù ... Le vesciche sui miei piedi non mi avrebbero fermato. Navigando su questa ondata di energia di Malonno, il paese della corsa di montagna, mi stavo elevando. Domenica, la storia è stata scritta, i record sono stati battuti. Cesare Maestri è il re dominante di questa corsa. Il re di Malonno, era il suo momento.

E io? Non capisco ancora come ho corso così in fretta, come ho fatto a ritrovare questa forza soprattutto dopo tanti mesi invernali fatti di lotte e battute d'arresto; come ho fatto ad essere così vicino al record delle donne. L’unica certezza che ho è che dedico questa vittoria a Malonno, questa vittoria è per te. È per ogni spettatore, per i partecipanti, per ogni corridore con cui ho corso e condiviso i percorsi quel giorno - mi hai spinto e mi hai aiutata più di quanto tu possa immaginare. È per ogni organizzatore, per tutto lo staff che crea un evento così meraviglioso. Per Alex Scolari, una menzione speciale ... il ragazzo che per primo ha piantato questi sogni nel mio cuore qui nel 2017. È per ogni abbraccio, ogni stretta di mano, ogni ‘’batti-cinque’’, ogni sorriso e ogni lacrima, ogni paura, ogni sogno. Questo è per tutto ciò che Malonno rappresenta, la casa della corsa in montagna. La casa dei campioni, Malonno la mia vittoria è tua.

E adesso? Il fine settimana è finito, il capitolo PizTri Vertical e FlettaTRAIL 2019 è finito, ma la storia è ancora in fase di scrittura, sono ancora qui a Malonno, sto vivendo il mio sogno.

E così vi chiedo ... mi rivolgo al paese di Malonno a braccia aperte e con il cuore in mano, puoi aiutarmi ancora una volta? Sono qui per l'estate ed è un sogno rimanere qui nel paese della corsa in montagna: Italia, Malonno. Il mio sogno è quello di creare una vita qui, costruire sulle basi che Malonno ed il FlettaTRAIL mi hanno già dato, per rendere Malonno la mia vera casa. Un posto dove vivere, un lavoro, allenarsi lungo questi sentieri, fare nuove amicizie, fortificarsi, fare esperienza ... ovviamente sto solo sognando. Ma come ben sappiamo, con i sogni, tutto è possibile. Siamo sempre ad un passo dalla decisione di cambiare vita, e questa è la vita di montagna di Malonno che sto scegliendo. Credo fortemente che questo sia il cammino che devo intraprendere. Forse alcune persone penseranno che io sia pazza, ma Malonno mi ha incantato nel 2017 e da allora sto sognando ... e ora dopo lo scorso fine settimana, sto sognando più che mai.

E così, se mi vedi vagare per le strade, correre lungo i sentieri, andare in bicicletta su per le colline, mangiare un gelato, bere un caffè, per favore, vieni a dirmi "Ciao!". Mi piacerebbe conoscere molti più amici e condividere molti altri momenti speciali con questa unica e appassionata comunità.

Ora sono qui, sola in questa piazza, in questo silenzio e nella quiete. So che c'è un posto per me, è la calma dopo la tempesta. Gli eventi del fine settimana potrebbero anche esser passati ma le montagne tutt'intorno riecheggiano con i ricordi. Proprio come il mio corpo vibra con la vitalità e il calore che mi hai dato. Lo spirito di Malonno sostiene i corridori, ci rende più grandi e migliori. Senza i fan non ci sarebbe nessuno spettacolo. A Malonno, sono più me stessa di quanto non sia mai stata, Malonno è il viaggio, Malonno è la destinazione. Malonno è una sensazione... e quella sensazione è magia. 

Malonno è la mia casa ...

Grazie mille Malonno!

Questo è per te.

Running on empty...

“The thing you are most afraid to write… write that.”

Here goes...



Over the past 18 months, I've suffered from two bone related injuries.

Over the past 18 months, I've lost a significant amount of body weight. 

Over the past 18 months, I've had less periods than you can count on your fingers of one hand.
 
Over the past 18 months, I've tipped off the scales and lost my balance.

Now. I'm returning.

I'm writing this blog post for a number of reasons. I'm writing this blog post because I believe this is something it's important to talk about. This subject matter isn't something that should be shut out and kept behind closed doors. People shouldn't have to be alone.

I'm writing and sharing this blog post with you all because this is part of my story.  This is real. This is my reality. This is the page I'm on right now. I hope this blog post will help me to become fully open and honest with myself. And finally I hope this blog post could potentially help others in some way too.

Over the past year I've been living a lie. I've been living behind the line “lighter equals faster” and my health – mental and physical have suffered because of it.

We all do things we are not proud of. We all make mistakes. We're all human. If it was possible to go back in time and give yourself a pep talk or perhaps something a bit more awakening like numerous hard slaps across the face... I'd go right back and say EAT THAT CAKE. Put that extra spoonful of pasta on your plate. Enjoy all this delicious food without feeling guilty and anxious. Stop thinking so much about what you put in your mouth. After all - you cannot live a full life on an empty stomach.

Alas time travel isn't yet possible and now my reality is that two bone injuries down the line I'm having to take a good hard look at myself and wake the f**k up. Yes – It has been like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly but finally I feel like I'm taking back control. A huge heavy burden has lifted off my shoulders and I am beginning to return to a happier and healthier Heidi - one mouthful of food at a time.

If you haven't experienced something like this, then it may be hard to understand where I'm coming from. But I know my situation is all too familiar for other athletes in some way or another and I'm sure many people can unfortunately relate. I'm not a health expert. I can't give advice or tell people I understand fully the health implications behind my situation. Right now, I just think it's important to share my story and to make people aware – because this situation isn't something you should have to go through alone. If you feel like you can relate to these thoughts and feelings around food in anyway I urge you to seek help and professional advice. Your future self will thank you for it. I'm learning this isn't something to be ashamed of. It's just something I've been going through that I have to accept. Only with this acceptance can their be freedom. I'm learning to forgive myself.

It's not possible for me to pin an exact date or moment when my head decided that food was to become an enemy and I'm not sure I can describe exactly what has been happening in my head and the thought processes behind it all. All I know is that it has been a absolutely horrible situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Those that know me best know that I've always loved food. My mum is a brilliant cook and I've always enjoyed the amazing meals and cakes she makes. At school I was often known to eat my lunch and then eat the left overs of my friends'. Food is something I enjoy - as we all should. But then there was a switch in my head and everything changed. Food would make me fat. Food would make me slow. A slice of cake would mean I wouldn't be able to run as fast as I wanted to. How utterly ridiculous is that. Food is fuel. I can't even begin to try to explain why over the past year I've been living as if eating properly and fully and enjoying every mouthful was something I could go without.

I've lost weight - obviously I have. With the amount of running I've been doing and the reduced amount of food I've been eating, it's only inevitable that I've lost some body fat. I have always been a “strong” looking runner but now looking back at some pictures from the past weeks I can see that I've lost this look of strength. My body has changed composition completely. It's difficult because at the moment I feel faster than ever. But I know this is not sustainable. I know I'm kidding myself. If I continue to restrict the amount I'm eating and to train fully with a look to performing well on the mountains this summer – another injury disaster is only inevitable. I have to act now.

Doctors orders are a wake up call. My low bone density and low BMI are something that need addressing NOW before it's too late. Before I do myself serious damage and end up with a long term health condition which will prevent me from running free in the mountains that I so love in the many years ahead. It's a tough pill to swallow but these next few months I won't be training fully or competing to the best of my ability like the rest of the mountain running world. These next few months I will be concentrating on regaining my strength. Regaining my body fat, regaining my love of food - regaining the healthy balance all serious athletes need. I have to remind myself that I'm not weak for needing time to sort through this. I wish things were different but I have to hold onto the belief and knowledge that by regaining my healthy relationship with this food - training balance, I will be a stronger athlete. When I begin to compete again I may be heavier, but I will also be stronger. The general advice is that I may be carrying more body weight, but I will be stronger and faster because my body will be receiving the nutrition it needs. I will be hungrier – not for food this time but hungrier for turning my dreams into reality. When I'm ready to return there will be nothing to stop me.

This is a painful experience. I am learning daily, hourly, to tell the negative committee that meets inside my head to sit down and shut up... I'm eating this slice of cake because I want to. I don't have to go out and run many miles and eat less tomorrow to prevent putting on weight. Changing my mindset is a rocky road that I'm learning to negotiate with the help and support of the many wonderful people I have in my life, family, friends. The anxious thoughts or feelings are sometimes still there - of course they are. They've been a part of my daily life for a number of months now. They're not going to go away over night. The difference is now I'm learning to accept that I don't have to obey this negativity. I can change my thoughts and change my habits - one forkful of food at a time. I'm learning to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and this journey I'm on.

There is always something good coming. Remember that… Right now its a healthier Heidi. The ironic thing is that right now I feel so much happier and healthier than I have in a long while. I'm full of gratitude for what 2019 has already given me and the memories already made with friends in mountains across the world. I'm so full up on life and so full of excitement for the future and what is to come. Life is for living. I feel so lucky to be living this life right now. It's a quiet kind of thunder – returning to yourself.

Success is often found in a pile of mistakes... remember be kind to yourself.

47 days...

With love always, 

Heidi xx

Battling bears in Boulder - a story for another blog post... watch this space

aeroplane mode

Places and spaces. The in-betweens and divisions between who you were, who you are and who you are becoming. Life is a journey. The steps are what we take along the way - the leaps, the giant bounds or the tiny seemingly small but significant steps. They're all necessary. Every step you've ever taken matters more than you will ever know. Each step makes you who you are. Who you will be.

On this nine hour flight across the Atlantic ocean to the Rocky Mountains it strikes me how this plane is just a chunk of metal shooting across the sky. A powerful human source of engineering that allows people to travel across continents, move across whole oceans. How crazy is that!? A flight - another step on the journey to all the adventures ahead. 9 hours and over 4000 miles away from home.

Maybe in a few years I'll forget the food I ate this morning, the bus I took to the airport, the coffee served with a friendly smile.

Maybe I'll forget the unexpected bluebells I stumbled across yesterday - the wide open green space so close to the airport. The grateful steps I took through this park after a long day of coach travel. The bliss of stretching your legs after hours of stillness.

Maybe looking back, all this will just be a distant memory. But now it all feels very and extremely real.... and exciting and thrilling and scary and exhilarating and all sorts of other feelings. Because I have the ability to be this free. To take these steps. To breathe the air of new places and to focus the eyes on new horizons. To take steps on different lands and feel and experience strange mountains beneath my feet.

Right now I'm here in the sky - a tiny dot so insignificant in the vastness of it all. The world is below me and the world is huge. There is so much possibility. I can't even begin to comprehended how much. There's so much world. So much time - so little time. It's all connected.

I don't know where I'll be in 10 years but I just feel like this year is part of something - something bigger. Experiences and opportunities are humbling me beyond measure.

Stepping out of my comfort zone. Seeking unknowns - New situations, new experiences, new memories. Not just dreaming but growing and being. Searching for something more. A returning and a strengthening. The next step...

It takes time returning to yourself. Since my injury last year there's been something missing. Something I can't describe. It's been stuck in my head. What happened to my strength? When I lost my physical strength, it felt like a part of my mental strength died too. But now I am awakening to the fact that I can be strong again. I'm growing, I'm strengthening. I'm becoming. Becoming what ? - I'm not sure but I'm just enjoying the discoveries I make along the way. 21 years old can feel so impossibly young sometimes. There is so much I have to learn. So much I have yet to be. Patience is key.

I don't know an end goal. I don't know who or where I want to be in 20, 40, 50 years time. All I know is that I want to be happy. I want to have lived adventurously and courageously and humbly and kindly and in all other manner of ways.

Life is connections - just like the way the plane connects us over oceans. Life is connections with other people. The communities and families which surround us. They hold us up. They make us so much more than we could ever imagine. They hold us up to the sky - to bathe in the shining rays of sunlight.

Just look up. See that above you? That's the sky and it's huge. I imagine all the people who have ever helped, inspired, grounded or touched me in some way as a glowing sky full of sunlight. 

Gazing out of the plane window right now I can see all of your faces. At the front and largest of all are my parents. They are my biggest inspirations, my biggest supporters, my biggest reason for my happiness rooted deep inside - I'll be forever in debt to them. In my sky I can see all your faces. Family and friends - all the people who are in my life somehow, someway or another. You are all there and you are all smiling. Guiding me, willing me onwards. Onwards towards the great unknown. Just as I am a face in your sky - willing you onwards too.

Let's hold each other up.

Up to the sky.

Continually.

That's the thing about the sky... It's always there. No matter where you are.

Yours in excited anticipation of footsteps underneath the Colorado mountain skies...

Touch down in America!

Bye for now

Heidi x