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Wednesday 21 September 2022

Connections

When I was younger it was more than normal for me to devour a couple of books a week, or I'd often be found sat in the corner of the garden scrawling down my own stories - elephants that could dance, dinosaurs that could climb trees, dogs that could talk. As I've got older this creative side of me hasn't been so dominant, but sometimes all it takes is a long hike in the mountains for this sense of childhood wonder to come rushing back.

That's why I go to the mountains, because it brings me back to who I am. The mountains... they're below me, above me, within me. Being outside immersed in nature has always enhanced my need to write - it's always lit a creative spark within me. Today more than ever. It's a creative flow that I won't even begin to try to understand - it's just something I trust in. The urge to race back down the mountainside and find some paper to pour out the story I've felt brewing in my head these past few months. Stories about this magical place. 

When you live close to nature something magical happens - it somehow becomes part of you. You wander along the same paths you've wandered along hundreds of times before and you realise it's never the same. As the seasons change and the world moves around you, something is always changing within you too. No matter what path we choose, what footsteps we take: we are all just stories, connections, journeys, movements. Forever evolving - we are all somehow part of every single person we've ever met in our life, all part of every place we've ever been. We are all full of stories worth telling. Connections... however big or small - I think they make this life beautiful ✨








Tuesday 6 September 2022

Hunger

Everytime I pin a number on my vest this year I do it for me. To heal my messed up relationship with running, racing, nutrition, body image. To show myself that my worth doesn't change based on how fast I can run. My worth doesn't change based on how my body looks and feels. Just because I can't run as fast as I used to doesn't make me a failure, it doesn't make me weak ... Infact this journey makes me strong. Showing up is what counts. Courage isn't anything else other than taking one step more than you ever thought you could. 


My 24th birthday this year was celebrated by an MRI scan revealing my 3rd stress fracture... This year I've met the weakest version of myself... But also the strongest. Because I promised myself I'd find my way back to running, find my way back to Malonno, because in those dark days I promised myself I'd find a way back to myself again ... And here I am. I don't know where I'm going from here but I'm sure as hell enjoying the ride. 


Recovering from RED-s has been far from easy, but now my body has the energy it needs to do amazing things, to run in the mountains with a huge smile on my face. At the same time I don't think my relationship with food will ever be 100% completely healed. I have moments where I doubt my self worth, when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see and I feel myself wanting to fall back into the trap of restricting, to shrink myself down. But instead of obeying these voices I force myself to examine these thoughts... it's because I want to feel that control again. The control that makes me feel worthy. For people who have never experienced these things maybe it's hard to understand. But after my experience I believe being "fully healed" is a myth, an eating disorder is something you have to proactively keep on top of. You can't suddenly heal an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise overnight but I think the scary process of healing is so much healthier than continuing to restrict and binge on food your entire life. Feeling comfortable in my own body isn't just about how it looks, it all starts from within. It's okay to have days when I question myself, when I question this journey I'm on. But hunger is essential, hunger is human and hunger needs to be honoured. Treat your body with respect, love and kindness and it'll repay you by allowing you to do the things you love. I'm learning to trust this journey. I'm trusting my body, trusting my own process, even if right now I'm not able to run as fast as I once could, I trust myself and my body enough to know that with patience and a lot of hard work I can get there by working on a healthier and more sustainable future, today and everyday. One step at a time. Consistency is key 🔑