'new year, new me' & all that jazz


It's the end of another year. Time to reflect on what has passed, focus on new beginnings, 'new year, new me' and all that jazz.

I could write about how 2018 has changed me. I could write about how 2018 has changed the world. I could write about new beginnings. I could write about new challenges.

Life. It's a series of years. Time keeping. Every day. Every hour. Every tick-tock on the hands of the ancient wind-up clock. Time marches onwards continually. Time moves from 2018 to 2019. Another year is on the horizon.

2018
a year
365 days
another trip around the sun
i don't need to write about it
we're all here
we've all lived it
instead
i want to write about
a series of moments
all that life is

my dad has spent 365 days
climbing the hill
just for the pure thrill
the year of the trig point
demonstrating how
life is now
it's just a series of moments
all joined up
pieces of a great puzzle
as vast and wide as the ocean
people and places
pieced together
no matter
what the weather
slotted
and aligned
one day at a time
until you look back
and see how
a whole year
has passed
from cold snowy winter
to a long hot summer
spent skipping
through the long grass
moving moments
drifting
untethered
and free
wandering endlessly
and all just because
it is possible
because we can

not an island
the life of man

i'm beginning to understand
these days i'm measuring
not by distance
but by experience
between each step
there's a new found freedom
it's flying away over the hills
riding on the wind
dancing upon the mountaintops

these days i'm measuring
not by time
but by the colours
the sky gifts me
the number of aeroplane trails
blazing across the blue canvas above
the wisps of cloud
high and motionless
or coursing through
the wide-open spaces
way up high

these days i'm roaming
discovering a new kind of path
standing firm and tall
battling the wind
observing the scattered rays of sunlight
lit upon the ground
something i've found
-a bond between
myself
and this place
where i'm running
pieces of me left here
long after the clouds
give a friendly chuckle
and explode
tiny shards
rain drops
pound the earth
between every footstep
i'm uncovering my worth

there's a silence
between
each breath
a silence
full of answers
with just as many questions

here i am
a dot upon the map
a tiny speck
in the vastness
of it all
but also
i am whole
this earth fills me
so i am full
so full
full to the bone
a dot
but here
or there
wherever
i'm at home

i don't understand
how running
gives me so much
when i ask for so little
i have a body
heart and lungs
limbs
that long to run
and so run i must
there are magic moments
hidden in every movement
running
releases my curiosity
out into the world
running
lays down
an open road
ahead
i must go
find my flow
here
i will grow

spinning spinning
it doesn't matter
whether you are losing
or winning
i'll always be
begging for magic
a life without movement
that would be so tragic
the journey
it's simple and pure
always gifting us
with so much more

this earth
it's here
at this moment
always
at your feet
all you have to do
is move
go
you don't know
which dreams
or passions
you may meet

we're always
part of the whole
connected
be wild
and unearth
your inner child
this year let's
get back in touch
with who we are
humans
let us
eat our greens
and also
be among our greens
the world
it is out there
it is now
the earth is held together
by a series of tightly stitched moments
the tall trees
touching the sky
notice them
and soon
you will reach out
like their branches
and become
part of this
universal grounding
especially when your
heart is pounding
in your chest
you will realise
life doesn't have to be
quite such a mess
because
you're not running
in the countryside
you are a part of it
you're not in the hills
you're part of the hills
you're not in your body
you're part of your body
moments

tie us all together
like the trees
and their thousands
of uniquely shaped
colourful leaves

look outward not inward
open your eyes
as wide
as the stars
and see
you can journey
so far
if only you have the courage
to believe
in all that you are
and all that could be
you are free

2019
i want to see
with a new
sparkle in my eyes
a world
that has always been there

a year measured
not in days
but in ways
movement creates
these stories
moments
linger on
there's always
more to come
no matter how much
you think
you've already done

a small side note
which is in-fact
quite large
a huge heartfelt
thank you
to all the people
who made 2018
a special one
you know
who you are
you are all stars
which light up
shine bright
and glow
through the darkest nights
the tears
and the fears
the laughter
and the smiles
the dreams
the joyous mountaintops
and the deep dark valleys
the movement
and the stillness
it's all necessary
it's all part of life
i am grateful
for it all

2019
it's okay
to go slow
and find your
own flow
follow your dreams
live your life
remember
all is not
as it seems
the sun
continues to shine
please just look
outside your window
notice the universe
oh – how it beams

and so
2019
i could write
'new year, new me'
and all that jazz
but instead
new year
it's just
same old me

dreaming endlessly 

//

PS: If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and I hope you've enjoyed some of my babbling thoughts this year. Thank you to each and every one of you who continue to support me no matter what. Family, friends, old and new, near and far... I treasure you all. These connections are what makes life so wonderful. 2019 is beginning and we all have so much potential to do brilliant and brave things. Step out into the world. Open up your eyes. How amazing it is just to be so wild and wonderfully alive. 2019. Let's live. Happy new year to you all. Wishing you all a healthy and happy 2019.

PPS: I can't finish this post without saying a huge thank you to the companies and businesses who have supported me this year. 

inov-8 - thank you for helping me to #getagrip in all the places and over all the mountains and trails my feet have taken me this year.

RWGMobile - thank you for keeping me connected at home in Mid Wales and beyond. 

And finally last, but most certainly not least, a special thank you to Justin and Judy Baird-Murray at The Metropole Hotel here at home in Llandrindod Wells. The access to the Rock Spa gym and swimming pool facilities has been so invaluable this year - especially through the dark days of injury. I'm forever grateful to have this support network here in my hometown. 

And now this is me signing off until next year, with a heart full of so much gratitude and warmth. See you in 2019...

With love and dreams 

always, 
Heidi x

2018 - cheers to it all

mountains

yesterday
was international
mountain day
but there's no cure
for the disease
of the dreamer's
the everyday dance
of the high peaks
roaming
across the mind

there are some mountains
you experience
by tiptoeing
softly
scarcely leaving a trace
treating the unfamiliar
lumps of rock
like a stranger's house
courteous in your exploration
the exotic ridges
a place
a dot
on the pages of the atlas
not yet known
stumbling through mist
damp unrelenting fog
destination unsure
but feelings
still
just as pure

mountains
their gullies
rocks
chasms
voids
rifts
their hope-filled valleys
gazing up
at the dangerous
formidable mountain tops
peaks
yet to climb
how they haunt me
in the gaps
between breaths
in the spaces
just before
i dive into the embrace
of sleep
here
a head in the clouds
enchanting rocky silhouettes
traced
across my closed eyelids
where the earth touches the sky
you don't have to be in the mountains
to feel them 
their lingering touch
the mountains
they are a part of you
a part of me

some places
in the thin air
will mark you
a wildfire
burning
with deep intention
a claim on your soul
the key to the door
turning in the tight lock
opening
crack by crack
before the whole light
pours in
left there
in the crevices
pieces of me
pieces of you

spending my days
waiting
mountains
you have captured my being
with your bold
and brutal

magnificence
lusting after verticality
everyday
dreaming
of returning
home

Malonno - destination of everyday dreams

beginning again

this morning

i opened my eyes
to the crescent moon
and venus shining
a bright spark too
a frosty promise
of possible sunshine

warming the cold
 

with yesterday's good news
lifting my head into the clouds
it was time

to clear the chaos of my mind 

time
to head to the hills
time 

to leave it all behind

pulling on my mudclaws
stepping out 

from the warm sanctuary

of the heated house

into the misty blanket 

draped across the earth

at the lake
the geese and swans
wondering what had taken
me so long
where had i been
all this time  

gone
the hopeful hiss
the possibility of bread
but alas i'm sorry

i came empty handed
the birds won't be fed

the pink reflection of dawn 

upon the chilly waters
the sun not quite risen
a call
a reminder to go on
on
chase the sunrise
race it up to the summit 

of the world
the top of your world

and so leaving behind the hungry swans
marching up 

up the steep steady climb
the once so familiar 

tight burn of the lungs

frozen puddles formed
where yesterday a stream did run

because with every rain cloud
comes the inevitable release of rain
the individual drops of water
that will always come together again

and so yes remember

with every falling apart
there must be a coming together
returning again
trust in time

rising to the top of the hills
the sun now emerging 

from the nightly rest
to encompass the land in warmth

once more
slowly slowly
the colours melting into each other
suddenly and then all at once
a tiny fleck of light 

and then the whole

like the sun
learn to rest
and not to quit
turn your face to the sun
and the shadows will fall behind you

pockets of sunlight
on the far horizons
the frost already melting
all of it at different rates
it's all personal
let the warmth come
let the light in
but at your own pace

the sun

cracks the ice
warms the cold
lights the dark
on top of the world
the end of the night
always becomes a new day 

the end becomes 

a new beginning
continually

and so then
i'm descending
towards the shakey bridge
skipping
a light little jubilant jog
down happy valley
a light at the end 

of the long dark tunnel
light burnt over fog
movement
how glorious
after three months of near stillness

i wonder

is it the magic

of mid wales

or the magic

of movement i'm feeling

but don't rush
it takes time
returning to yourself
and growing
flowing like the river
many tributaries 

into the
larger torrents 

of your hopes 

and dreams

continuing onwards 

a brisk walk
a few galloping testing steps
towards home
where the second breakfast awaits
peanut butter and banana 

on the toast
but my head
it's still in the hills
oh what a thrill
where to next
i'm not entirely sure
you're not always meant to know
where you're going
life is unpredictable
and scary
but wonderful
what a grand thing it is
just to be alive

here you are
rising despite it all
rising
again
from the ashes of doubt
the fire of hurt
the flames diminished 

by your strength in waiting
the strength found in time
you've let the healing come
realising how the forgiveness is freedom
and now slowly
slowly
one small
tiny
tiny step 

at a time
you can begin again
the day you plant the seed
isn't the day you eat the fruit
remember that

and so i will continue 

to count the lengths swum 

through this challenge
and not the days
but now i will also count
the ways in which 

these tiny beginning steps 

make everything 

appear brighter
looking where the light pours in
 

returning to the hills
with each step forward
i'm returning back
back to my dreams

emerging into realities
life is not always 

as it seems
stumbling forward
is part of this dreamy dance
 

i've said before
falling down is part of life
getting back up
that's living
and so here i am 

living
letting go 

of the illusion 

it could have been any different
living
now
beginning again
returning

most of all 

here i am

just trying 

and failing

to find a way 

to put my head

and all these feelings

into words

dreamers disease
has got a hold on me
beginning and returning
a continual loop

stillness

it doesn't have to be stagnation

stillness

can be growth

so step out

choose growth

choose light

i can't see what's beyhond the horizon

but i can feel it

you don't know where the adventure might take you

but don't be surprised

by how quickly

the universe moves

once you've decided 

hey injured runner

yes you can return

with these small

but significant steps

you will begin again

once more 

always malonno...

Hey injured runner.

Hey injured runner.

Hey you. I know being injured really sucks. I know you want nothing more than to lace up your trainers and head out the door. I know how much you long to feel the beating of your pounding heart – hear the pitter patter of your feet dancing along to the rhythm you once knew so well. Yes, I know it's so hard to want these things and to have to remain still. I know it's so hard to be patient.
 
Hey injured runner.

It's okay. You're allowed to scream. You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to curse. You're allowed to lie on the floor and cry your eyes out - a waterfall of self-disgust and loathing. You're allowed to question how you managed to get yourself into this situation again. You're allowed to feel sorry for yourself - to be upset and angry. In fact, these feelings are only inevitable - How can this thing you love so much have the power to go so horribly wrong and hurt you like this? It is essential to accept this hurt and to feel it - a knife stabbing at your back, tearing apart your dreams. You have to let these emotions come. You're allowed to lie on the hard ground – just so long as you don't remain there. You have to pick yourself back up.
 
Hey injured runner.

Yes. You are allowed to forgive yourself.
 
Hey injured runner.

You have to forgive yourself. Please. With this acceptance, comes freedom. With your freedom - this healing process will aid the growth of your wings and you will once again fly. In fact, you will soar – so much higher than before. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Growth. Please just trust it. You are only human after all. Mistakes are part of life. Mistakes are proof you're living. Accept your mistakes, learn and move on.
 
Hey injured runner.

This is just a reminder – you're so much more than this injury. Just as you are so much more than just “a runner”. We are all carrying multitudes. Don't let this injury define you. Smile and be brave – even when your body doesn't behave.
 
Hey injured runner. 

Please don't forget, you have family, friends, a whole support team and network of people who love and care about you. Don't push them away or take this injury out on them. Remember the ones who support you in the dark deep valleys and not just on the shining, sun-baked mountain tops. You know the people who stand by you and support you through thick and thin? These people are golden. Keep them close.
 
Hey injured runner.

Don't be afraid to dream. Don't be afraid to plan and turn your dreams into reality. Go on – make your dreams happen. Be spontaneous. Even if it seems kind of outrageously crazy. Even if others don't understand. If it makes you happy or if you know it will make you happy, you should just go for it. Life is for living. Don't stop living just because you can't run. There is more to life than this. There's more to life than being an injured runner. Be true to yourself. You are you. Don't ever forget that.
 
Hey injured runner.

Spend less time on your phone. Less time scrolling mindlessly through Instagram – seeing never ending posts of other peoples' running adventures will only turn you green with envy. Don't put yourself through it. Pick up a book instead. Let your mind wander and take yourself on an adventure of your own.
 
Hey injured runner.

Concentrating on the things you can't do will only make you bitter. Instead, focus on the things you can do. Do the things you've been putting off. Let your creative juices flow. Write, draw, paint – even if you know you have no skills and your drawing attempt looks like an egg rather than a person. Maybe you can't run up into the mountains, but that doesn't stop you experiencing them in a different way. You can draw them. You can write about them. You surely can find a way to use all these inspirations you've been gifted. And no - you don't have to show anyone. Create things, not for others but for yourself. Trust me - creating something with your hands will help to take your mind off your itchy feet. Perhaps you'll even discover a whole new skill. The world is your oyster. It is true - injury time can be an opportunity... if only you let it. So change your perspective and you will find other ways to fill the running-shaped hole.
 
Hey injured runner.

Are you scared? Are you scared your body is broken? Are you scared you won't ever heal? Are you scared your dreams are shattered? Do you wonder whether it will ever be the same again? It's okay. Take a deep breath and remain calm. It won't be the same – you'll have a deeper understanding, more inspiration, and gratitude. It may be a cliché but you will return to put one foot in front of the other and you will be stronger and wiser. Many rocks build a castle. Many tiny grains of sand build these rocks. It all adds up. Courage above fear.
 
Hey injured runner.

Yes, I know being injured really does suck.

But I also know...

Falling down is part of life.

Getting back up - That's living.

"So m-m m-m-m-m maybe you should
Take the first step
And the rest will follow" - Follow / Tom Misch

my body is still
but my mind
oh
how it runs

Hey injured runner.

This is a gift.

So smile. 

It will be okay in the end.

Sending positive vibes to all the runners who are battling their way through injury right now. You will get through this. You will find the light.

 
With love & dreams,
Heidi x

"Fancy running another lap?"

(This short blog post is influenced by inov-8's latest article, "Get To Grips With Trail Running" which features some top tips from inov-8 ambassadors inspiring you to step off the road and out onto the trails )

I challenge you to run 1500m, 3000m, 5000m or even 10,000m around an athletics track - honestly, the distance doesn't matter. Just experience the monotony of becoming ever increasingly dizzy. Tick off the laps one by one until you reach the ringing bell and really push yourself towards the final time you cross that ever important white line that signifies the end. You're done. There's nowhere else to go. Stop your watch - check your splits. You ran pretty fast? That's great, well done! Pat yourself on the back and allow yourself to feel satisfied. Now reflect on this experience... what did you see along the way? What did you feel? Fancy running another lap?

running my own laps in 2016 // "Fancy running another lap?"

Wait, I'll answer that last question for you. No. You really don't want to run another step on that red synthetic material.

Open your eyes. Look past the track and the housing estate in the surrounding streets. Turn your back on the oval and cast your eyes out to the horizons. Out there somewhere is a hill or a trail and it's calling your name. A path not yet traveled is eagerly anticipating your silent arrival.

Maybe you're a little bit scared or anxious. Fear of the unknown is only natural I suppose. These trails may be outside your comfort zone - a whole world away from the predictable track or your familiar roads. But still, I urge you to embrace your fear and leave the tedious track behind. It will still be there if you ever feel the need to return.

I dare you to not become exhilarated by the endless trails reaching out in front of you. There's a whole world to explore. Just step off the track, off that road. We weren't born to just run in circles. Don't allow yourself to be limited. Hop over the gate. Open your arms out wide. Find your wings. Fly. Your trails are waiting. Go. You won't ever regret it. I know I don't.

So go on. Be brave. What are you waiting for?

Don't forget you can read some more top tips to inspire you to hit the trails from inov-8 ambassadors Ben Mounsey, Damian Hall, Ben Abdelnoor and Victoria Wilkinson here.

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. there are many things i miss but the freedom is the most of it

A post shared by Heidi Davies (@heididavies98) on Oct 28, 2018 at 2:05pm PDT

electricity

These days aren't so much about movement. It's the in-betweens. The stillness. Itchy feet and a running mind. It's days of dreams, words, lists, plans, brilliant sunshine and moody storm clouds. It's the slow satisfaction of recovery and the frustrating struggle of stillness. 

It's understanding you have all this energy inside you. All this electricity - probably enough to power a lightbulb or such like for a considerable amount of time. It's about deciding what you want to do with all this energy. Which lights you want to spark and glow. It's about seeing and getting excited about all the possibilities and not just feeling depressed over the problems. 

We're all here, stumbling around. Trying to figure out what we want to do with all this future. It's about realising, in reality, just like you - everyone else is just winging it too.

And so it's about becoming the journey - your journey. Maybe with some changes of directions, new paths, periods of rest and recovery along the way. But always moving - continually forward. Onwards. Your possibilities are endless. 

These days are about learning to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. It's about the understanding, revelations, growth, inspirations. 

This is life. You've got to live it. Like the network of wires providing the electricity to light our homes on these dark autumn nights; you've got to transform your energy into your own personal sparks - into your dreams. Growing them into realities. 

When you're on the right path, you'll feel the energy - you'll know.

So yeah just keep dreaming...

With love

Heidi x

the gentle constant rhythm

(This post is inspired by wet and wild October days at home in Mid Wales)

nine years old
back in school
pen to paper
scrawling stories
it was forbidden to end this way
i'm sorry teacher
now i cannot prevent
this unlikely turn of events

the gentle constant rhythm
raindrops
drumming on the window
an enchanting harmony
lulling me out of the door

the gentle constant rhythm
my feet
pitter patter
my hammering heart
allegro - the pace in my chest
 
a splash and a splosh
leaping oceans of puddles
the sea in my shoes
a stream
ebbing from my head
down to the very tip 
of my toes
dripping down my nose

red raw hands
sodden sticky clothes
a new layer of skin
where does the rain stop
and where do i begin

the gentle constant rhythm
a feeling
- blissfully alive

i'm sorry teacher
but for now this is true
there's nothing i can do

...
I woke up.
It was all a dream. 
...
The end.  

counting lengths, not days

I don't know how long ago I last went for a run. I'm not sure how many days it's been. A part of me finds this strange. Somehow without even trying, I've controlled and let go of the running obsessive person I am and I haven't measured how long it's been since I last put one foot in front of the other over and over. I could count and work it out but what would be the point really? A part of me doesn't actually want to know how many 24 hours has passed since I last did the thing I love. This not knowing means I'm just a little more free.

Yes, I'm once again injured. Maybe it's as bad... or maybe it's not as bad as this time last year… who knows. Just I'm not able to run at the moment. But you know, somehow it's actually kind of okay. It's not the end. I'm still me. The sun still shines. Life goes on. I'm still happy. And this is the most important thing.

Already I've forgotten what running actually feels like… the tired legs, the gasping for breath, the pure bliss found in this. The harmony in the connections between body and mind. I miss it. Of course I do.

Malonno 2018 - these are the good days

Taking a step back from running gives me a new perspective. I felt it last year and I feel it again now. Now. Perhaps more fully and with more understanding than ever before. There are other ways to fill the running shaped hole. Learning to love the in-betweens; appreciating where I am now. It's all part of the story. 

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🍁 holding onto the last drops of summer a new season is coming balancing lightly across the tightropes of time #dreamersdisease #midwalesmyway #newseason #autumn #findthelight

A post shared by Heidi Davies (@heididavies98) on Sep 23, 2018 at 11:34am PDT

And who knew it would take not running to understand how important self-love is. It's only now I've had to stop again that I'm faced with the easy truth; it's not so hard to accept - what's the point in being able to run fast if it's not sustainable? Strong foundations need to be built to survive the wildest storms. You need to give your body the strength to endure. It's a lesson I learnt last year. It's a lesson I accepted. It was a lesson I was ready to act upon. Nevertheless somehow it didn't happen. I got carried away with the dreams I had, the places I wanted to go and I didn't build the strong foundations I needed to endure. There's no one else I can blame but myself. It's not rocket science. But as so many athletes will know… it's so easy to get pulled along on the wave of trying to run fast, pushing your body too much and all too soon. It's only inevitable; pushing your body into the storm before the foundations are built will result in collapse. And so here we are again. Back to square one? Maybe, maybe not… Definitely back to giving my body what it wants and needs. I know now I can't not listen to my body. Foundations have to be built in order to sustain. Health is the most important thing.

So two autumns not being able to run. Not experiencing the crunch of leaves underfoot. Not seeing my exhalations creating dragons breath in the crisp morning air. Not feeling the change of the seasons on my skin as I run through the chilly autumn breeze in the golden sunlight. It hurts. Of course it hurts not being able to run. I feel it deeply. But what hurts most is the knowledge that I've done this to myself.  These autumn chapters are beginning to look kind of sedate but I'm grateful for the other chapters full of movement. It's the chapter of Malonno earlier this year that I hold especially dear to me now. I crave a life full of countless moving chapters. So I have to be sensible. I have to be mature and not so naive. I have to accept where I am and what I need to do to create these moving stories. Movement - without the breakage. That's the story I want to write. I know I hold my own pen.

A famous quote by Ernest Hemingway - “We're all broken; that's how the light gets in.” I'm learning to notice the little things. The moments and occasions where the light shines through. It all connects eventually; continually. A wander at sunset; watching the light of day fade away, slowly and then all at once. A smile and a kind word shared with a neighbour or a stranger in the street. A picnic. A road trip screaming along to Mamma Mia with your friends. A family meal. Homegrown parsnips, roasted to perfection. Laughter. A walk in the countryside with new people. Sharing dreams, sharing passions, sharing ideas: even from hundreds of miles away. The people that inspire you - the inspiration all around. Your favourite books. A simple sunrise - candy floss clouds. A cat's meow - the purr of comfort. The music you love and feel. The way you can just pick up your pen and let these thoughts escape you. The sky - so vast, full. Cooking with your Nan. The silence after rain. Helping a piano student grasp the concept of using all their fingers to dance across the keys of the instrument. All this, and more. Simple, yet significant. This is life. The mountains and the valleys are adventures alike.

something special about september sunsets

There are lessons interwoven through every part of life. I'm not counting the days since my last run. I'm feeling them. Somedays there's a whole ocean between where I am and where I want to be. Other days it's just a small stream, seemingly easy to cross with a small leap. Whatever happens I'm swimming through the challenge - staying afloat and enjoying the colourful fish I see on the journey. Because life is too short not to notice the things around you. I'm learning just to be where I am now. My dreams will wait. It's enough.

It's true… “don't count the days… make the days count”.

So observe the colourful fish… who knows when your eyes may just catch a glimpse of a rare mermaid.

With love and dreams,
Heidi xx

PS: I'd just like to say a big thank you to Justin & Judy at The Metropole Hotel here in Llandrindod Wells for their support and for the use of the Rock Spa pool facilities... I'm just going to keep swimming... counting lengths, not days