beginning again

this morning

i opened my eyes
to the crescent moon
and venus shining
a bright spark too
a frosty promise
of possible sunshine

warming the cold
 

with yesterday's good news
lifting my head into the clouds
it was time

to clear the chaos of my mind 

time
to head to the hills
time 

to leave it all behind

pulling on my mudclaws
stepping out 

from the warm sanctuary

of the heated house

into the misty blanket 

draped across the earth

at the lake
the geese and swans
wondering what had taken
me so long
where had i been
all this time  

gone
the hopeful hiss
the possibility of bread
but alas i'm sorry

i came empty handed
the birds won't be fed

the pink reflection of dawn 

upon the chilly waters
the sun not quite risen
a call
a reminder to go on
on
chase the sunrise
race it up to the summit 

of the world
the top of your world

and so leaving behind the hungry swans
marching up 

up the steep steady climb
the once so familiar 

tight burn of the lungs

frozen puddles formed
where yesterday a stream did run

because with every rain cloud
comes the inevitable release of rain
the individual drops of water
that will always come together again

and so yes remember

with every falling apart
there must be a coming together
returning again
trust in time

rising to the top of the hills
the sun now emerging 

from the nightly rest
to encompass the land in warmth

once more
slowly slowly
the colours melting into each other
suddenly and then all at once
a tiny fleck of light 

and then the whole

like the sun
learn to rest
and not to quit
turn your face to the sun
and the shadows will fall behind you

pockets of sunlight
on the far horizons
the frost already melting
all of it at different rates
it's all personal
let the warmth come
let the light in
but at your own pace

the sun

cracks the ice
warms the cold
lights the dark
on top of the world
the end of the night
always becomes a new day 

the end becomes 

a new beginning
continually

and so then
i'm descending
towards the shakey bridge
skipping
a light little jubilant jog
down happy valley
a light at the end 

of the long dark tunnel
light burnt over fog
movement
how glorious
after three months of near stillness

i wonder

is it the magic

of mid wales

or the magic

of movement i'm feeling

but don't rush
it takes time
returning to yourself
and growing
flowing like the river
many tributaries 

into the
larger torrents 

of your hopes 

and dreams

continuing onwards 

a brisk walk
a few galloping testing steps
towards home
where the second breakfast awaits
peanut butter and banana 

on the toast
but my head
it's still in the hills
oh what a thrill
where to next
i'm not entirely sure
you're not always meant to know
where you're going
life is unpredictable
and scary
but wonderful
what a grand thing it is
just to be alive

here you are
rising despite it all
rising
again
from the ashes of doubt
the fire of hurt
the flames diminished 

by your strength in waiting
the strength found in time
you've let the healing come
realising how the forgiveness is freedom
and now slowly
slowly
one small
tiny
tiny step 

at a time
you can begin again
the day you plant the seed
isn't the day you eat the fruit
remember that

and so i will continue 

to count the lengths swum 

through this challenge
and not the days
but now i will also count
the ways in which 

these tiny beginning steps 

make everything 

appear brighter
looking where the light pours in
 

returning to the hills
with each step forward
i'm returning back
back to my dreams

emerging into realities
life is not always 

as it seems
stumbling forward
is part of this dreamy dance
 

i've said before
falling down is part of life
getting back up
that's living
and so here i am 

living
letting go 

of the illusion 

it could have been any different
living
now
beginning again
returning

most of all 

here i am

just trying 

and failing

to find a way 

to put my head

and all these feelings

into words

dreamers disease
has got a hold on me
beginning and returning
a continual loop

stillness

it doesn't have to be stagnation

stillness

can be growth

so step out

choose growth

choose light

i can't see what's beyhond the horizon

but i can feel it

you don't know where the adventure might take you

but don't be surprised

by how quickly

the universe moves

once you've decided 

hey injured runner

yes you can return

with these small

but significant steps

you will begin again

once more 

always malonno...