“The thing you are most afraid to write… write that.”
Here goes...
Over the past 18 months, I've suffered from two bone related injuries.
Over the past 18 months, I've lost a significant amount of body weight.
Over the past 18 months, I've had less periods than you can count on your fingers of one hand.
Over the past 18 months, I've tipped off the scales and lost my balance.
Now. I'm returning.
I'm writing this blog post for a number of reasons. I'm writing this blog post because I believe this is something it's important to talk about. This subject matter isn't something that should be shut out and kept behind closed doors. People shouldn't have to be alone.
I'm writing and sharing this blog post with you all because this is part of my story. This is real. This is my reality. This is the page I'm on right now. I hope this blog post will help me to become fully open and honest with myself. And finally I hope this blog post could potentially help others in some way too.
Over the past year I've been living a lie. I've been living behind the line “lighter equals faster” and my health – mental and physical have suffered because of it.
We all do things we are not proud of. We all make mistakes. We're all human. If it was possible to go back in time and give yourself a pep talk or perhaps something a bit more awakening like numerous hard slaps across the face... I'd go right back and say EAT THAT CAKE. Put that extra spoonful of pasta on your plate. Enjoy all this delicious food without feeling guilty and anxious. Stop thinking so much about what you put in your mouth. After all - you cannot live a full life on an empty stomach.
Alas time travel isn't yet possible and now my reality is that two bone injuries down the line I'm having to take a good hard look at myself and wake the f**k up. Yes – It has been like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly but finally I feel like I'm taking back control. A huge heavy burden has lifted off my shoulders and I am beginning to return to a happier and healthier Heidi - one mouthful of food at a time.
If you haven't experienced something like this, then it may be hard to understand where I'm coming from. But I know my situation is all too familiar for other athletes in some way or another and I'm sure many people can unfortunately relate. I'm not a health expert. I can't give advice or tell people I understand fully the health implications behind my situation. Right now, I just think it's important to share my story and to make people aware – because this situation isn't something you should have to go through alone. If you feel like you can relate to these thoughts and feelings around food in anyway I urge you to seek help and professional advice. Your future self will thank you for it. I'm learning this isn't something to be ashamed of. It's just something I've been going through that I have to accept. Only with this acceptance can their be freedom. I'm learning to forgive myself.
It's not possible for me to pin an exact date or moment when my head decided that food was to become an enemy and I'm not sure I can describe exactly what has been happening in my head and the thought processes behind it all. All I know is that it has been a absolutely horrible situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Those that know me best know that I've always loved food. My mum is a brilliant cook and I've always enjoyed the amazing meals and cakes she makes. At school I was often known to eat my lunch and then eat the left overs of my friends'. Food is something I enjoy - as we all should. But then there was a switch in my head and everything changed. Food would make me fat. Food would make me slow. A slice of cake would mean I wouldn't be able to run as fast as I wanted to. How utterly ridiculous is that. Food is fuel. I can't even begin to try to explain why over the past year I've been living as if eating properly and fully and enjoying every mouthful was something I could go without.
I've lost weight - obviously I have. With the amount of running I've been doing and the reduced amount of food I've been eating, it's only inevitable that I've lost some body fat. I have always been a “strong” looking runner but now looking back at some pictures from the past weeks I can see that I've lost this look of strength. My body has changed composition completely. It's difficult because at the moment I feel faster than ever. But I know this is not sustainable. I know I'm kidding myself. If I continue to restrict the amount I'm eating and to train fully with a look to performing well on the mountains this summer – another injury disaster is only inevitable. I have to act now.
Doctors orders are a wake up call. My low bone density and low BMI are something that need addressing NOW before it's too late. Before I do myself serious damage and end up with a long term health condition which will prevent me from running free in the mountains that I so love in the many years ahead. It's a tough pill to swallow but these next few months I won't be training fully or competing to the best of my ability like the rest of the mountain running world. These next few months I will be concentrating on regaining my strength. Regaining my body fat, regaining my love of food - regaining the healthy balance all serious athletes need. I have to remind myself that I'm not weak for needing time to sort through this. I wish things were different but I have to hold onto the belief and knowledge that by regaining my healthy relationship with this food - training balance, I will be a stronger athlete. When I begin to compete again I may be heavier, but I will also be stronger. The general advice is that I may be carrying more body weight, but I will be stronger and faster because my body will be receiving the nutrition it needs. I will be hungrier – not for food this time but hungrier for turning my dreams into reality. When I'm ready to return there will be nothing to stop me.
This is a painful experience. I am learning daily, hourly, to tell the negative committee that meets inside my head to sit down and shut up... I'm eating this slice of cake because I want to. I don't have to go out and run many miles and eat less tomorrow to prevent putting on weight. Changing my mindset is a rocky road that I'm learning to negotiate with the help and support of the many wonderful people I have in my life, family, friends. The anxious thoughts or feelings are sometimes still there - of course they are. They've been a part of my daily life for a number of months now. They're not going to go away over night. The difference is now I'm learning to accept that I don't have to obey this negativity. I can change my thoughts and change my habits - one forkful of food at a time. I'm learning to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and this journey I'm on.
There is always something good coming. Remember that… Right now its a healthier Heidi. The ironic thing is that right now I feel so much happier and healthier than I have in a long while. I'm full of gratitude for what 2019 has already given me and the memories already made with friends in mountains across the world. I'm so full up on life and so full of excitement for the future and what is to come. Life is for living. I feel so lucky to be living this life right now. It's a quiet kind of thunder – returning to yourself.
Success is often found in a pile of mistakes... remember be kind to yourself.
47 days...
With love always,
Heidi xx
Here goes...
Over the past 18 months, I've suffered from two bone related injuries.
Over the past 18 months, I've lost a significant amount of body weight.
Over the past 18 months, I've had less periods than you can count on your fingers of one hand.
Over the past 18 months, I've tipped off the scales and lost my balance.
Now. I'm returning.
I'm writing this blog post for a number of reasons. I'm writing this blog post because I believe this is something it's important to talk about. This subject matter isn't something that should be shut out and kept behind closed doors. People shouldn't have to be alone.
I'm writing and sharing this blog post with you all because this is part of my story. This is real. This is my reality. This is the page I'm on right now. I hope this blog post will help me to become fully open and honest with myself. And finally I hope this blog post could potentially help others in some way too.
Over the past year I've been living a lie. I've been living behind the line “lighter equals faster” and my health – mental and physical have suffered because of it.
We all do things we are not proud of. We all make mistakes. We're all human. If it was possible to go back in time and give yourself a pep talk or perhaps something a bit more awakening like numerous hard slaps across the face... I'd go right back and say EAT THAT CAKE. Put that extra spoonful of pasta on your plate. Enjoy all this delicious food without feeling guilty and anxious. Stop thinking so much about what you put in your mouth. After all - you cannot live a full life on an empty stomach.
Alas time travel isn't yet possible and now my reality is that two bone injuries down the line I'm having to take a good hard look at myself and wake the f**k up. Yes – It has been like banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly but finally I feel like I'm taking back control. A huge heavy burden has lifted off my shoulders and I am beginning to return to a happier and healthier Heidi - one mouthful of food at a time.
If you haven't experienced something like this, then it may be hard to understand where I'm coming from. But I know my situation is all too familiar for other athletes in some way or another and I'm sure many people can unfortunately relate. I'm not a health expert. I can't give advice or tell people I understand fully the health implications behind my situation. Right now, I just think it's important to share my story and to make people aware – because this situation isn't something you should have to go through alone. If you feel like you can relate to these thoughts and feelings around food in anyway I urge you to seek help and professional advice. Your future self will thank you for it. I'm learning this isn't something to be ashamed of. It's just something I've been going through that I have to accept. Only with this acceptance can their be freedom. I'm learning to forgive myself.
It's not possible for me to pin an exact date or moment when my head decided that food was to become an enemy and I'm not sure I can describe exactly what has been happening in my head and the thought processes behind it all. All I know is that it has been a absolutely horrible situation to be in and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Those that know me best know that I've always loved food. My mum is a brilliant cook and I've always enjoyed the amazing meals and cakes she makes. At school I was often known to eat my lunch and then eat the left overs of my friends'. Food is something I enjoy - as we all should. But then there was a switch in my head and everything changed. Food would make me fat. Food would make me slow. A slice of cake would mean I wouldn't be able to run as fast as I wanted to. How utterly ridiculous is that. Food is fuel. I can't even begin to try to explain why over the past year I've been living as if eating properly and fully and enjoying every mouthful was something I could go without.
I've lost weight - obviously I have. With the amount of running I've been doing and the reduced amount of food I've been eating, it's only inevitable that I've lost some body fat. I have always been a “strong” looking runner but now looking back at some pictures from the past weeks I can see that I've lost this look of strength. My body has changed composition completely. It's difficult because at the moment I feel faster than ever. But I know this is not sustainable. I know I'm kidding myself. If I continue to restrict the amount I'm eating and to train fully with a look to performing well on the mountains this summer – another injury disaster is only inevitable. I have to act now.
Doctors orders are a wake up call. My low bone density and low BMI are something that need addressing NOW before it's too late. Before I do myself serious damage and end up with a long term health condition which will prevent me from running free in the mountains that I so love in the many years ahead. It's a tough pill to swallow but these next few months I won't be training fully or competing to the best of my ability like the rest of the mountain running world. These next few months I will be concentrating on regaining my strength. Regaining my body fat, regaining my love of food - regaining the healthy balance all serious athletes need. I have to remind myself that I'm not weak for needing time to sort through this. I wish things were different but I have to hold onto the belief and knowledge that by regaining my healthy relationship with this food - training balance, I will be a stronger athlete. When I begin to compete again I may be heavier, but I will also be stronger. The general advice is that I may be carrying more body weight, but I will be stronger and faster because my body will be receiving the nutrition it needs. I will be hungrier – not for food this time but hungrier for turning my dreams into reality. When I'm ready to return there will be nothing to stop me.
This is a painful experience. I am learning daily, hourly, to tell the negative committee that meets inside my head to sit down and shut up... I'm eating this slice of cake because I want to. I don't have to go out and run many miles and eat less tomorrow to prevent putting on weight. Changing my mindset is a rocky road that I'm learning to negotiate with the help and support of the many wonderful people I have in my life, family, friends. The anxious thoughts or feelings are sometimes still there - of course they are. They've been a part of my daily life for a number of months now. They're not going to go away over night. The difference is now I'm learning to accept that I don't have to obey this negativity. I can change my thoughts and change my habits - one forkful of food at a time. I'm learning to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am and this journey I'm on.
There is always something good coming. Remember that… Right now its a healthier Heidi. The ironic thing is that right now I feel so much happier and healthier than I have in a long while. I'm full of gratitude for what 2019 has already given me and the memories already made with friends in mountains across the world. I'm so full up on life and so full of excitement for the future and what is to come. Life is for living. I feel so lucky to be living this life right now. It's a quiet kind of thunder – returning to yourself.
Success is often found in a pile of mistakes... remember be kind to yourself.
47 days...
With love always,
Heidi xx
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| Battling bears in Boulder - a story for another blog post... watch this space |
Thank you for your bravery and honesty. As an eating disorders dietitian I see these struggles often and the truly destructive consequences that it brings. I just wanted to send you extra strength on your journey back to being you, that you didn't cause what is happening to you right now, and you're not to blame for it, but you equally retain the power for it to be different. That's a hard thing to do so remind yourself often that you do deserve it, and your weight doesn't define you: you're so much more than that.
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