For my 21st birthday at the start of the year, my parents gave me a bracelet. Engraved on it are the words "she believed she could, so she did" In the dark and in the light, these words have travelled with me everyday. These words have guided me forward along my journey, no matter where I've been... Wales, Italy, America, Patagonia and all the other places in-between. On my wrist I have a constant reminder of my strength - even when I have felt weak. And in my heart I have a constant reminder of my parents love - no matter how far apart we are. My parents and family have given me the roots - the strength to hold myself still and steady in an ever-changing and unpredictable world but also the branches to grow and to flourish. To be whoever and whatever I wish to be. If only I'm brave enough to believe...
Because...
I was lost. I was so lost... climbing through the dark forests of my mind. The walls I built myself. The restrictions I placed on my body. The box I put myself into. There seemed to be no way out. I was well and truly stuck. I had no strength to climb out. No energy. Limbs of lead and a mind of dread.
Because...
I was lost. I was so lost... climbing through the dark forests of my mind. The walls I built myself. The restrictions I placed on my body. The box I put myself into. There seemed to be no way out. I was well and truly stuck. I had no strength to climb out. No energy. Limbs of lead and a mind of dread.
Now I can look back and smile at what I thought I wanted. The stupidity of the life I was living. The guilt, the shame. The constant comparison. Now I look back and remember most of all, just how constantly hungry I felt. That isn't anyway to live a life. The isn't any way to exist. There is so much more to life than the shape of your body. What matters most is the shape of your mind.
Maybe I didn't go through all that for nothing. Maybe it's a chapter of my story that I'm ashamed of... but it's still part of the book. Without it I wouldn't be me. Without it I wouldn't now be so free.
Now the tank is full. No offense to me, but what the hell do I think I was doing?
Choosing to change. Choosing to put more forkfuls of food in my mouth, choosing to be more than just skin and bone, choosing to break the cycle - it was the hardest decision. But once there was a tiny tiny crack, soon all the walls I had built myself came tumbling down and the light came pouring in. And just how golden is the sunlight? How warm and amazing it feels, to love and accept yourself, as you are - even when you are still growing. Even when you are not yet where you want to be. When you are still on your journey. You cannot live your life constantly at war with yourself. We live in a rainbow of chaos. How beautiful it is to try to understand the colours of your mind and to leave your fear behind.
I was basically starving myself. Barely eating breakfast, surviving off of a piece of fruit at lunch time or a scrap of lettuce and then letting myself eat a meal in the evening... because I had "earned it" after being "good" and "healthy" all day. It wasn't sustainable. Of course it wasn't. The weight fell off me. I became skin and bone. Honestly sometimes it hurt to sit down because my bones were sticking out so far and I had no healthy cushioning skin. It took me a long time to see what I was doing to myself. To see that being so stick skinny was unhealthy. To see that missing your period for almost 2 years isn't normal. To see that being so tired and so goddamn hungry all the time isn't the way to live your life. It took me a long time to wake the hell up, to stop being so stubborn and to start to try to dig myself out of the hole before it became too late.
But somehow I have done it. Now I'm sat here writing this in the company of some chocolate which I'm nibbling as I go along. And no I'm not eating this chocolate because I have "earned it". I'm eating it because I want to eat it and enjoy it. Simple as that. There are no worrying thoughts in my head about how fat I'll become after a few pieces of a sugary treat. Tomorrow I won't have to skip breakfast and lunch all together because I'm eating these calories now. I'll eat a big bowl of porridge for breakfast before going to work. I'll go running and then come back home to a cup of coffee and a snack before also eating lunch. For some you won't see how much of a step forward this is but for me this is huge.
As I wrote before in my previous blog post, I don't know exactly why I went through this period of many many months barely eating, but maybe it was just something I had to go through. I had to break to realise how strong I can be. It's okay to be confused, to be stressed, to be a mess. But it's not okay to stay like it. I've said it before and I'll say it again - you can't spend your life living at war with yourself. You've got to rediscover your healthy balance. The place where you glow. The place where you allow yourself to grow, to become better. It doesn't happen over night and you can't do it alone. But you can do it. It's a beautiful feeling when you choose being real over being perfect.
If I think back to this time last year. I was struggling. I was on crutches, nursing another stress response after a summer of running fast without fueling properly. Again I hit the brick wall, and I had to stop. Stop running, stop moving, stop, stop, stop. And only because it was something I had brought on myself. I'm not here to throw a self pity party. I don't want sympathy. I'm here because I have come out the other side and if I can help someone in any little way by sharing this story then I see that I didn't go through all that self centered crap for nothing.
Because really how ridiculous was I being. There are people starving all over the planet, people without a roof over their heads, living in the streets. So many people less fortunate than me and here I was spending my days stressing over the fact that I thought if I ate one more forkful of food, I would become fat and not be able to run fast. Maybe it's a result of the privileged society we live in - the fact that so many people feel like they should already have their life "figured out", to have control over every tiny aspect. But if this year has taught me anything it's to just relax and break away from the obsession. To be free.
So much has changed over the past 12 months for me. I've moved out of my home with my family. I'm living alone for the first time in my life. I'm living in a different country. I've changed jobs. I've changed running clubs. And that's only a few. There are so many other changes that moving to Italy has brought about. However the biggest change has been in my mind.
I'm learning to not be so hard on myself for feeling lost, confused or like I haven't achieved what I wanted to achieve. I'm learning to surround myself with truths. We're all human, we all make mistakes, we all mess up sometimes. This is okay. I'm learning healing is a process that takes time and feeling. Life is journey. As long as you are moving, you are doing okay.
I'm learning that I'm so much more than how fast I can run. I'm so much more than the number on the weighing scales. There's is so so so much more to life than being able to run fast. Yes okay - you can run fast... you can win a race. You can cross the finish line in first place with a big smile on your face. Maybe that will make you happy for a short while but if you are not happy in yourself; if you are not strong and balanced in your mind then the happiness this success brings is short-lived. Yes being able to run fast makes me feel happy, but there is so much more to my internal happiness than this. I'm learning to love the process of everyday small victories. To feel both grounded and free. To smile despite the mistakes I've made.
Everyone is on their own journey, everyone has their own personal steps to take. But sometimes you need a little helping hand from the people around you. Ultimately we are all connected. We can grow and flourish by lifting others. This is what makes us human. The connections we share are what makes life wonderful. We are all part of the whole. Let's raise each other up, finding the light fostering within yourself and the people around you. It is like this that we can all grow and ultimately glow in each others light. I feel so grateful for the people who have surrounded me and made this year so wonderful. The new friends made, the old friendships strengthened and the moments we have all shared. It would be impossible to name everyone but thank you all... for sharing this journey and for being who you are.
And so what now?
2019 is nearly at a close and so many things have happened. I've had so many highs and so many lows as we all have, but I've learnt to move with the flow. Malonno is now where I live and I couldn't feel more at home here. I feel so lucky and fortunate to be living this life. To wake up each morning and to see the mountains reaching up to the sky constantly humbled by their strength and beauty. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that this is my life now. To have been welcomed so warmly by the people here and to have found a second family. To be teaching English in local schools and to be opening up my mind to the Italian language... piano piano, I'm getting there. Soon I will heading back to Wales to spend Christmas with my family and I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone at home in Wales again before my parents and brother come to Malonno in the new year. Hopefully they will then be able to understand why I've chosen this life.
2019 - It's a reality.
Yes I'm that crazy girl from Wales who decided to change her life completely and move to a small town in the Northern Italian mountains. The girl who decided that she could be stronger than her fear. The girl who decided to go for it. Because why not? You never know what's coming next. But what an adventure it is... the dreaming, the living, the doing, the finding out. Take chances, take so many chances... because in the end it will always work out the way it should. You'll be where you're meant to be.
I can't get enough of this simple life.
Some things take insane bravery. But after that, you'll be free.
2019... long live all the magic we made.
Until 2020...
Lots of love
Heidi xxx
If I think back to this time last year. I was struggling. I was on crutches, nursing another stress response after a summer of running fast without fueling properly. Again I hit the brick wall, and I had to stop. Stop running, stop moving, stop, stop, stop. And only because it was something I had brought on myself. I'm not here to throw a self pity party. I don't want sympathy. I'm here because I have come out the other side and if I can help someone in any little way by sharing this story then I see that I didn't go through all that self centered crap for nothing.
Because really how ridiculous was I being. There are people starving all over the planet, people without a roof over their heads, living in the streets. So many people less fortunate than me and here I was spending my days stressing over the fact that I thought if I ate one more forkful of food, I would become fat and not be able to run fast. Maybe it's a result of the privileged society we live in - the fact that so many people feel like they should already have their life "figured out", to have control over every tiny aspect. But if this year has taught me anything it's to just relax and break away from the obsession. To be free.
So much has changed over the past 12 months for me. I've moved out of my home with my family. I'm living alone for the first time in my life. I'm living in a different country. I've changed jobs. I've changed running clubs. And that's only a few. There are so many other changes that moving to Italy has brought about. However the biggest change has been in my mind.
I'm learning to not be so hard on myself for feeling lost, confused or like I haven't achieved what I wanted to achieve. I'm learning to surround myself with truths. We're all human, we all make mistakes, we all mess up sometimes. This is okay. I'm learning healing is a process that takes time and feeling. Life is journey. As long as you are moving, you are doing okay.
I'm learning that I'm so much more than how fast I can run. I'm so much more than the number on the weighing scales. There's is so so so much more to life than being able to run fast. Yes okay - you can run fast... you can win a race. You can cross the finish line in first place with a big smile on your face. Maybe that will make you happy for a short while but if you are not happy in yourself; if you are not strong and balanced in your mind then the happiness this success brings is short-lived. Yes being able to run fast makes me feel happy, but there is so much more to my internal happiness than this. I'm learning to love the process of everyday small victories. To feel both grounded and free. To smile despite the mistakes I've made.
Everyone is on their own journey, everyone has their own personal steps to take. But sometimes you need a little helping hand from the people around you. Ultimately we are all connected. We can grow and flourish by lifting others. This is what makes us human. The connections we share are what makes life wonderful. We are all part of the whole. Let's raise each other up, finding the light fostering within yourself and the people around you. It is like this that we can all grow and ultimately glow in each others light. I feel so grateful for the people who have surrounded me and made this year so wonderful. The new friends made, the old friendships strengthened and the moments we have all shared. It would be impossible to name everyone but thank you all... for sharing this journey and for being who you are.
And so what now?
2019 is nearly at a close and so many things have happened. I've had so many highs and so many lows as we all have, but I've learnt to move with the flow. Malonno is now where I live and I couldn't feel more at home here. I feel so lucky and fortunate to be living this life. To wake up each morning and to see the mountains reaching up to the sky constantly humbled by their strength and beauty. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that this is my life now. To have been welcomed so warmly by the people here and to have found a second family. To be teaching English in local schools and to be opening up my mind to the Italian language... piano piano, I'm getting there. Soon I will heading back to Wales to spend Christmas with my family and I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone at home in Wales again before my parents and brother come to Malonno in the new year. Hopefully they will then be able to understand why I've chosen this life.
2017 - I first had this crazy dream. To make Malonno my home.
2019 - It's a reality.
Yes I'm that crazy girl from Wales who decided to change her life completely and move to a small town in the Northern Italian mountains. The girl who decided that she could be stronger than her fear. The girl who decided to go for it. Because why not? You never know what's coming next. But what an adventure it is... the dreaming, the living, the doing, the finding out. Take chances, take so many chances... because in the end it will always work out the way it should. You'll be where you're meant to be.
I can't get enough of this simple life.
Some things take insane bravery. But after that, you'll be free.
2019... long live all the magic we made.
Until 2020...
Lots of love
Heidi xxx
