We need to talk...

Do you look at this picture and see a successful athlete winning a race? I guess most of you would.. But I don't. I look at this picture and see an unhealthy and unsustainable athlete. 

I look at this picture and see myself, but yet somehow the girl in the photo isn't me either. The girl in the photo doesn't exist - not any more. She's been through so much, she's changed, she's grown a lot too. The girl in the photo was the FlettaTrail champion in 2019 – but what created that champion? A completely messed up relationship with herself - with food, running and life in general. 

Yes - I look at this photo and I feel the joy I felt from winning that race. But the reason why I don't see a successful athlete is because most of all I look at this photo and I feel the pain and the despair of the aftermath I've been living over the last two years. I feel the pain of recovery, the pain of trying to heal myself. The pain which I have mostly kept to myself because yes I've been ashamed of all that I've been going through.

This is the part that nobody ever seems to talk about – after the restriction and underfueling, after the weight-loss, after the RED-s, after the short lived success, after the realisation that living your life on an empty stomach is so detrimental to your health and happiness. This is the part after you realise you have to change – that running on empty is slowly draining you, shrinking you down until you're not sure there will be anything left. Something had to break the cycle – I just didn't realise it would be such a long and painful journey. 

And so... we need to talk.

Over the next days I will publish a number of posts which will be letters to my younger self, detailing my journey and sharing my story throughout my struggle of living behind the lie of skinnier equals faster. I hope I can help to raise awareness of these issues and the struggles that unfortunately are not uncommon in the running world and the repercussions it causes in our sport. I want to help to create an environment where these issues are talked about and brought into the open and not just brushed under the carpet... so that the next generation don't have to ever go through anything like I did. We girls are women before we are athletes. We bleed every month in order to be strong. Girls – your time of the month is the most important part of your health. We should be proud of our flow. Period.

(Trigger Warning - In order to create a safe space for the readers of these posts, I would just like to highlight the fact that over the following few days I will be discussing sensitive issues around food and body image. If you feel like you might be triggered by these subjects then I gently advise you not to read my posts and reach out for professional help.)