Hunger

Everytime I pin a number on my vest this year I do it for me. To heal my messed up relationship with running, racing, nutrition, body image. To show myself that my worth doesn't change based on how fast I can run. My worth doesn't change based on how my body looks and feels. Just because I can't run as fast as I used to doesn't make me a failure, it doesn't make me weak ... Infact this journey makes me strong. Showing up is what counts. Courage isn't anything else other than taking one step more than you ever thought you could. 

My 24th birthday this year was celebrated by an MRI scan revealing my 3rd stress fracture... This year I've met the weakest version of myself... But also the strongest. Because I promised myself I'd find my way back to running, find my way back to Malonno, because in those dark days I promised myself I'd find a way back to myself again ... And here I am. I don't know where I'm going from here but I'm sure as hell enjoying the ride. 

Recovering from RED-s has been far from easy, but now my body has the energy it needs to do amazing things, to run in the mountains with a huge smile on my face. At the same time I don't think my relationship with food will ever be 100% completely healed. I have moments where I doubt my self worth, when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see and I feel myself wanting to fall back into the trap of restricting, to shrink myself down. But instead of obeying these voices I force myself to examine these thoughts... it's because I want to feel that control again. The control that makes me feel worthy. For people who have never experienced these things maybe it's hard to understand. But after my experience I believe being "fully healed" is a myth, an eating disorder is something you have to proactively keep on top of. You can't suddenly heal an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise overnight but I think the scary process of healing is so much healthier than continuing to restrict and binge on food your entire life. Feeling comfortable in my own body isn't just about how it looks, it all starts from within. It's okay to have days when I question myself, when I question this journey I'm on. But hunger is essential, hunger is human and hunger needs to be honoured. Treat your body with respect, love and kindness and it'll repay you by allowing you to do the things you love. I'm learning to trust this journey. I'm trusting my body, trusting my own process, even if right now I'm not able to run as fast as I once could, I trust myself and my body enough to know that with patience and a lot of hard work I can get there by working on a healthier and more sustainable future, today and everyday. One step at a time. Consistency is key 🔑