I used to be so self-centered. I cared so much about how many miles I ran a week, how many steps I did a day, how many forkfuls of food I put or didn't put in my mouth, the number on the scales, how fast I could run, how many races I could win.... Tunnel vision. It was all that mattered, if I didn't focus on these things then I was a failure. When I take a step back and look at myself now, I realise how much things have changed... how much I've changed. A part of me will always want to be an athlete and get the best out of myself but I think "being an athlete" shouldn't put this much control over you. I don't know, maybe I was just doing it all wrong.
These days I run when I feel like it. I lace up my trainers and head out the door because I want to, not because I feel forced by some inner-voice inside me telling me that I have to go and run because that's what I do in this life. These days I'm not running to try and beat the other girls or to try and prove something to the people around me. I run because I know it's part of who I am, part of what makes me, me. But I finally realise there are so many other parts of me too. I don't just have to be Heidi-that girl who runs.
When you stop being so self-centered and actually look.. I mean really see the world around you, you realise you have the power to do whatever it is you want to do with this life. One day you wake up and realise yes, it does have to start with you. You are just the ocean in one drop, one drop in the ocean. There are so many people, so many lives you can touch. There is so much sky above us, so many lives, opportunities, experiences to be lived. You don't have to be restricted by the walls you built yourself. A beautiful thing happens when you knock these walls down brick by brick... The first glimpse of freedom, a glimpse of life. The life only you can create for yourself.
Living by myself in a foreign country, having to learn a new language, a completely different way of life has helped me grow so much. Spending so much time with kids teaching them English - I'm living this life through their eyes too - eyes full of childhood wonder. So grateful for everything in life right now 💛
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