What a whirlwind of a year you're set up for now! In April you'll be jetting half way across the world to spend a life changing two weeks in Boulder, CO. It'll be a chance of a lifetime for you – to go out and explore some big mountains like you've always dreamed... however in the future you'll mostly remember your time in Boulder for the way it paved your path forward in recognising how unhealthy you were going about trying to be an athlete. The whole time you'll be there in Boulder you'll be so god-damn hungry but you won't allow yourself to satisfy your hunger, just nibbling on tiny portions of food whilst running big miles at altitude. You'll see all the athletes around you cooking nutritious meals, fueling their bodies in a healthy balanced way and being able to run fast and strong. Suddenly you'll begin to realise you want that too – to not be scared of every forkful you put in your mouth and to not be so tired, hungry and anxious around food all the time. Coming home to a result of a bone density scan which will tell you you're almost suffering from osteoporosis will be the final wake up call. Now you'll understand you need to stop over-analysing every forkful of food you put in your mouth and start finding some self love... 2019 Heidi – I can praise you for recognising you need to change, that it's time to focus on the shape of your mind rather than the shape of your body. Let me tell you this is just the start of your healing journey. You've got a hell of a long way to go from here and it's going to be pretty painful.
Although it's something you should do - you're not going to reach out for professional help. You're just going to struggle along by yourself eating an extra few slices of toast and drinking a glass of milk before going to bed hoping that's going to help your bones get stronger. All well and good, but you're still going to be overanalysing and obsessing over your weight. You can't quite seem to come to terms with the fact that in order to recover you need to gain weight – that in order for your body to be healthy again you need your period back... because to you, you're happy believing that life without your period feels so much easier, not waiting for the red spots in your underwear every month. You'll cut back on your running volume but still go out for a long bike rides with inadequate fueling. Future Heidi writing this is wiser now and can see all the mistakes you'll be making. You won't give your body enough time to recover properly between April and the summer and you'll start running and pushing your body again way too soon - even before you've got your period back. Not that I can blame you... In July you'll fly over to Europe for the summer and settle into your au pair work in Malonno and be tempted by the big mountains.... You'll run PizTri Vertical and feel like you can float up the final wall to the finish effortlessly. You'll win FlettaTrail and cement your place in the Malonnese community – your heart belongs to the small town and you'll dream about making it your home. 21 year old Heidi you're onto something good – and slowly slowly, ever so slowly you'll begin to break down your anxious thoughts and fears around food. You'll realise how life is too short not to eat gelato or enjoy a pizza with your au-pair family after a race win. By the end of the summer you'll have qualified to run for GB at the World Mountain Running Championships in Patagonia and whilst you don't run the race you hoped, you'll feel happy because you feel free around food again. You have your period back and you feel like you've recovered from your obsession of trying to shrink yourself down into being the skinniest version of yourself. You'll sign for adidas TERREX and you'll feel so full of excitement for your future ahead as an athlete living in the mountains in your magic hometown of Malonno. You'll move into 2020 feeling alive and free and exactly where you need to be. You won't be prepared for what hits you next...
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