So much has changed in a year. I wake up and don't start the day with my parents across the breakfast table, instead I eat my eggs whilst reading or with the Italian radio for company. I wonder about what I need to do, whether I've paid the rent, what shopping I need to get, what I'm going to eat.
cycling in the valley, wandering up into the glorious mountains... good morning is replaced with ciao or buongiorno but the smiles are just as genuine
babysitting, reading, piano practice, drawing, cooking, writing, strength work, Italian, gardening, cooking, resting , dreaming among others
The evenings draw out... to just be and breathe or to keep yourself busy. When you spend the days with yourself and your own thoughts sometimes it's hard to tell where they begin and where they end. But it's in these moments you learn to trust yourself, to trust in the life you've chosen, to be yourself, to be happy, to trust the journey of who you are becoming, to grow your own wings. To trust in your shyness and the awkward ways in which you are you... Just don't build your walls too high
Some days I wish I could wake up and be 12 again and walk down the road with my brother to school and spend the day laughing and joking with friends in the classroom. An evening spent chasing my dad up forest tracks before returning home to my mum's vegetable lasagna.
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we're all just making it up as we go along, I'm not afraid to say somedays I have no idea what's going on & I wonder whether I've made the right choices, but then I look up at the mountains & the community around me and I know I'm where I need to be. I'm living the adventure I dreamed & I'm so grateful
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I enjoy babysitting so much and maybe it's because the kids are a constant reminder of how to live life simply, lightly, to just be happy for this moment. With so much going on in the world, children can teach us so much
On this day last year, I was jetting across half of the world, setting my feet on American soil for the very first time. A year on and wow how much has changed! A year on, where am I now? At home, like most of the rest of the world - dreaming about adventures gone by and moments ahead.
Thinking back to this day last year, I remember feeling full of nervous anticipation. I could even say I was feeling scared - scared to travel so far away from home and spend two weeks with people that I didn't know very well. People that were basically strangers (that would only become strong friends) - but whom I had only met fleetingly and spoken to briefly on a sandy beach in Llandudno and in a huge strange hotel in a middle of a wild forest in Bulgaria (gotta love World Mountain Champs after parties). On this day last year, I was feeling anxious to travel so far alone. I had never been on a long haul flight before. I remember boarding the bus that would take me to the airport in London and waving goodbye to my Mum almost in tears - I didn't know what was waiting for me in the two weeks ahead and the sadness I felt with leaving behind my family for Easter was real. But still - I went. I breathed deeply and asked myself why I had booked the flights in the first place. I wanted to visit Boulder to see what all the fuss was about. I wanted to go on an adventure. Little did I know that this little adventure would change things so drastically. Little did I know that being so far from home was only the beginning of returning home to myself. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me explain...
Oh boyyyy what an adventure it turned out to be. Andy Wacker was an AMAZING host and that word just doesn't do him justice. He was my tour guide for the next two weeks and we ran so many incredible trails together. I will be forever grateful to Andy for everything he did for me and the welcome and hospitality he showed me. (Andy if you're reading this, thanks so much!) Staying in Andy's house at Lazy Arces above Boulder along with his wife Karley, his house mates and their lovely energetic dog Fig (and I should probably add the next door neighbours dog, Charlene to that list) was an experience I know I will never ever forget. The two weeks flew by and I felt right at home living in a house of athletes with a passion just like me for running and life in the outdoors from the moment I walked through the door. I got to explore so many different trails, saw some beautiful jet lagged sunrises, walked many dog loops, played and lost many games of Bananagrams, fell over twice, cycled the long ascent from Boulder up to the house, narrowly missed some early morning bear encounters, met some local Boulder professional athletes who were hanging out drinking beer in the park, did a long run with some mega fast track girls, tried (and failed) to crack the art of getting your box to weigh less at Wholefoods, did the Celestial Tea Tour, had a Fig on my lap, got a free chocolate icecream, had my first burrito, did Tacho Tuesday, cried at 4000 metres, saw a moose, felt like I'd stepped through the back of the wardrobe and ended up in snowy Narnia. The list is endless. So many happy memories.
All of this and so many moments in between - I remember it all so well as if it all happened only yesterday. I'm so so so so glad I got on that plane. It's true Colorado, the place that makes you Bo(u)lder.
The reason why I'm writing this blog post is to think back to this time last year and to realise how far I've come. This time last year, I was having the time of my life in Boulder. Those two weeks spent there were a chance of a lifetime. But then - I think back and I remember how I was feeling within myself and a dark cloud comes over my head. It wasn't pretty. I was unbalanced. I was unhealthy. Most of all, I was just so goddamn hungry.
I know I've written about it before and if you're this far into this blog post then hopefully it's because you're interested in what I've got to say and you'll carry on reading. I'm not writing this to have a pity party or to gain sympathy. I'm writing this to highlight what can happen when your passion becomes unhealthy. I'm writing this to show the world that it's okay to talk about these things and that in fact we must talk about these things. Mental health is something that shouldn't be shunned. This is important. If you feel like you can relate to any of the things I'm talking about in this blog post or what I'm about to say. Or perhaps you feel like you can recognise that maybe someone around you is following this type of behavior. I urge you to reach out. Help yourself, help others. We are not alone. In these times, more than ever it's empowering to see and feel the human connections. I would be more than happy to help anyone who feels like they need to talk about these things. Please just message me if you want to. I want to help you. I want to help you realise that you are not alone and that together we can do so much. Something I wrote on this day last year in a blog post feels kind of relevant :
Okay so thinking back to this time last year - it's actually kind of difficult for me to look at the pictures of myself in Boulder. These pictures bring back many happy memories, but they are painful to look at too. Why? Because, I am literally a stick. I look like I could break any moment. In short, I look unhealthy. I look ill. And I did it to myself. I was stuck in a cycle of hunger. Just doing the best I could every moment to distract myself from the growling bear inside my stomach.
Thinking back, remembering it - I wonder actually how I did it. Now when I feel hungry - I eat. Something so simple but I'm proud of myself every time. I satisfy the growling bear and a year on I'm proud of how far I've come. I mean it's not easy. No way. It's a constant battle. It was, it is a constant uphill struggle. I don't know if I can say I had an eating disorder - I wasn't ever properly diagnosed. But I know I wasn't eating enough. I was restricting. I was over training. I was pushing my body wayyy too much. I didn't have any self love. All I had was push, push, push. Push yourself as hard as you can, because you will never be good enough Heidi. You will never be who you want to be.
I wanted to be a good athlete. I wanted to be the best runner I could be. I thought the only way to do that was to make myself the lightest, skinniest version of myself. I still to this day don't know where I got this idea from and why I fell down into this trap - maybe I never will. But it is sadly common in our sport. I've had many many conversations with many other people who have gone through or are going through the same thing or know someone who is and it breaks my heart. This is not okay. It's not okay to be doing this to yourself, to know you are doing it and to not be able to stop. It is not okay. Reach out, talk to someone, get help before it is too late. I was shrinking myself down and becoming a shadow of myself. I knew deep down it wasn't sustainable. But I wasn't ready to face up to myself. I wasn't ready to challenge myself. Going to Boulder and spending those two weeks with Andy and the athletes in the Rocky Mountains changed all that.
I knew as I watched the other athletes in Andy's house cooking big, healthy sized nutritious meals and running fast and strong whilst I nibbled away at an inadequately sized portion in the corner and going to bed still hungry that something didn't add up. I knew I was doing something wrong. I knew that something would have to change. I knew I was facing a make it or break it situation. What would have to change was me, my mindset. It was time to stop focusing on the shape of my body. It was time to start focusing on the shape of my mind.
It hasn't been easy, it hasn't been a walk in the park. But coming back from those amazing two whirlwind weeks in Boulder to the result of a bone density scan which said I was almost suffering with osteoporosis was the final piece in the jigsaw that I was piecing together in my mind in the Rocky Mountains. The final piece that sealed the bigger picture. If I wanted to continue to do the sport I loved, to continue to run free in the mountains and live more days like I did in Boulder then something needed to give. I needed to break the cycle. It was a long time coming but I saw what I needed to do and this past year has been a journey of recovery. Returning to myself. One day at a time. One mouthful at a time. Until now. I can finally say it - I feel free.
I honestly don't know how much I weigh right now. And honestly - I just really don't care. How amazing it feels to write and feel that. This time last year I would stand on the scales everyday obsessing over every 0.1kg of myself. Now I feel strong. I have strength in my body but most importantly in my mind. I've gained body fat, gained muscle. I've gained weight. I've gained self love. But most importantly I've gained my life back. And oh what a joy it is to be alive.
16th April 2020, Malonno, Italy. Here I am. A 22 year old athlete. But I am so much more than just that. I am the stories that shape me, the places I've been, the people I've met, the connections I've made. We all contain millions of multitudes within our skin. We are all the places we've ever been, all the places we will go. We are wherever we are right now, at home (most probably) we are what we are in our minds. Inside there are mountains. In these days at home, we are not climbing the mountains. Only those of our minds... I wish you great adventures.
Staying positive doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time. It means even on hard days, you know that there are better ones coming.
All the races for the foreseeable future cancelled? No problem - just race around your back yard!
Malonno is the home of mountain running. There's been a mountain race here ever since 1964. But this is the March 2020 edition of the classic mountain race, Malonno FlettaTRAIL - like you've never seen it before!
Scroll down to the bottom of this blog post to watch. I hope you enjoy!
The sun
is rising up over the mountain tops. Ever so slowly, and then all at
once - the golden rays hit the earth. Birds sing overhead –
melodies full of joy at the awakening of this new day. Flowers
carpeting the forest floor stretch out their petals to feel the
warmth. The sky above is an endless rolling blue. Snow twinkles in
the sunlight on the mountain summits and there is a trickle of water
all around as winter melts and spring advances forward. This is a
paradise.
Except it's really not.
Instead we're stuck in one of those dystopian future films full of
doom. Just the setting isn't quite right. How can a place so
beautiful be enduring such grave times?
This is life in Italy.
This is life with the threat of the coronavirus lurking behind every
handshake, every hug, every kiss, every touch. This is life at least
one metre away from another human being. This is life inside lockdown.
It's March 12th
and it's over three weeks since the Coronavirus first arrived in
Italy. When we first got the news it was the week of the carnival
celebrations and it seems so ironic that a time that was supposed to
be full of joy and happiness was over shadowed with so much confusion
and anxiety. The virus first put eleven towns and villages in
Lombardy, the region around Milan, and Veneto in the red zone meaning
that a total of 55,000 people were in quarantine and told not to
leave their homes or towns for two weeks as the Italian authorities
tried to contain the spread of the virus. At the start here in
Malonno - schools, gyms, swimming pools and other public places were
shut and the bars were only allowed to open from 6:00 – 18:00 in a
bid to limit the crowding of people in public places.
Now over three weeks
on, things have drastically changed. In the beginning there were just
400 cases isolated to the northern region of the country. Now Italy
has over 12,000 cases and the whole country has been put inside the
red zone. The authorities have ordered us to all stay at home.
Everything is shut beside food shops and pharmacies and only one
person per family is permitted to enter these places. Any travel
throughout the country is strictly prohibited – the only exceptions
are on special request and have to be movements motivated by proven
work needs, situations of necessity or health. If you don't follow
these rules and your movements are deemed unlawful - you could face
up to 3 months of arrest, a fine of up to 260 euros and even between
1 and 12 years in prison. These are serious times and Italy is doing
all it can to halt this spread of this virus. But is it too late?
I remember a few months
ago here in Italy, I was teaching a class and a few children made a
joke about the coronavirus in China. I suppose back then we didn't
really think anything of it. It wasn't really anything to worry about
as we went about our daily lives as normal. Going to school, going to
work, going out to a restaurant with friends, going to a bar for your
breakfast, being able to shake hands, hug or kiss someone else. Maybe
we didn't see it coming but here we are - in lockdown just like
China.
It's true the virus is
only really fatal for old people and people with very weak immune
systems. But we all have to make these sacrifices to preserve life
and limit the spread and enormity of this problem. The hospitals are
overflowing. It's a crisis for the health system. There are numerous
campaigns here in Italy seeking donations from the public to provide
the hospitals with the materials they need such as masks to keep the
staff from contracting the virus.
There's a post on
Instagram that is trending. A young nurse facing this health
emergency writes that she's scared not of going grocery shopping –
she's scared to go to work. She's scared because the mask might not
fit her face well or she may have accidentally touched herself with
dirty gloves. Her message is that “We young people are not immune
to coronavirus, we can get sick too, or worse we can make you sick. I
have to go to work and do my part. You do yours. I ask you please.
Stay at home.” The hashtag #stiamoacasa (#weareathome) is trending
as people recognise that staying at home is the only way we can
combat the growing spread of this virus.
But it is not all doom
and gloom. Despite the distances we have to maintain between other
people, there is a unity as the nation and communities come together
to battle these times of crisis. In the last few days all over
Malonno, handmade banners with rainbows have appeared outside houses
with the words "andrà tutto bene" (it will all be okay) - a reminder to
people to maintain their hope in these times. We are still allowed to
go out for a walk or a run as long as we maintain the distances from
other people and it is heart warming to walk down the street and
receive something so simple as a smile or to exchange a few words
with a friend or stranger. The sun is shining and you can kind of
pretend that this crisis isn't happening... until you turn a corner
and see someone walking their dog with a mask covering their face and
gloves on their hands. This is the reality we are living in now but
it helps to try to remain positive.
For me I'm just so glad
I'm in lockdown in such a beautiful place here in the mountains in
Malonno. At least here I can still go into the woods and follow the
paths up into the mountains where I know I won't meet anyone and I
can still gain the headspace and moments of movement I crave in the
open air. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for
people in cities all across the country and for those who have
contracted the virus and have to self isolate for 40 days. I know I
am very lucky to live here – now more than ever.
And to think about the
impact that this virus has had on the up and coming mountain running
season.... who knows what will happen? We have to just take it as it
comes. The guys over at adidasTERREX made the difficult but wise
decision to cancel the #oneteam training camp scheduled for next week
in Fuerteventura and with all sporting events here in Italy prohibited
until the end of this lockdown on April 3rd – who knows
what will happen after that? Will we still be in lockdown or will
life go back to normal? Who knows?
I had planned to go
back to Wales for a few days in April to visit my family and then my
grandmother was going to come and stay with me in Malonno to get a
taste of the life I live here. Obviously none of this will be
happening now. The flights are all cancelled and I don't know when I
will see my family again. This makes me sad, of course it does. But I
am also so glad that the internet exists and we can keep in touch. It
helps to remain positive, so I'm using these strange times as a
chance to concentrate on my training. It's a bit like a training camp
but alone and with a strange eerie silence outside. I'm also using
the time to try to sharpen up my Italian skills - maybe becoming
properly fluent by April 3rd is a bit of a challenge but
who knows maybe my next blog post will be in Italian!?
When this crisis is
finally over and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, can
you imagine how amazing it will be to be able to once again go about
life as normal. To go shopping with the whole family, go to a bar
with some friends, go to school, go to work, get in the car and drive
to a nearby town for an ice cream just because you feel like it and
all the other things. If nothing else these hard times are teaching
us to appreciate the life we live. To appreciate what we had and what
we will have again. To appreciate the little moments where the light
shines in.
We are all making
sacrifices. We are all living these crazy disturbing times. But we are
all alive. What a wonderful gift that is. And so this morning I was inspired by a dandelion. It made me think... "what is my wish?" My
wish is that we all stay happy and healthy. If you feel alone in
these times just look up at the sky - look up to the stars. Someone
else, somewhere on this wonderful planet is looking at them too. We
are all connected and everything is going to be okay. "andrà tutto bene"
