All the races for the foreseeable future cancelled? No problem - just race around your back yard!
Malonno is the home of mountain running. There's been a mountain race here ever since 1964. But this is the March 2020 edition of the classic mountain race, Malonno FlettaTRAIL - like you've never seen it before!
Scroll down to the bottom of this blog post to watch. I hope you enjoy!
The sun
is rising up over the mountain tops. Ever so slowly, and then all at
once - the golden rays hit the earth. Birds sing overhead –
melodies full of joy at the awakening of this new day. Flowers
carpeting the forest floor stretch out their petals to feel the
warmth. The sky above is an endless rolling blue. Snow twinkles in
the sunlight on the mountain summits and there is a trickle of water
all around as winter melts and spring advances forward. This is a
paradise.
Except it's really not.
Instead we're stuck in one of those dystopian future films full of
doom. Just the setting isn't quite right. How can a place so
beautiful be enduring such grave times?
This is life in Italy.
This is life with the threat of the coronavirus lurking behind every
handshake, every hug, every kiss, every touch. This is life at least
one metre away from another human being. This is life inside lockdown.
It's March 12th
and it's over three weeks since the Coronavirus first arrived in
Italy. When we first got the news it was the week of the carnival
celebrations and it seems so ironic that a time that was supposed to
be full of joy and happiness was over shadowed with so much confusion
and anxiety. The virus first put eleven towns and villages in
Lombardy, the region around Milan, and Veneto in the red zone meaning
that a total of 55,000 people were in quarantine and told not to
leave their homes or towns for two weeks as the Italian authorities
tried to contain the spread of the virus. At the start here in
Malonno - schools, gyms, swimming pools and other public places were
shut and the bars were only allowed to open from 6:00 – 18:00 in a
bid to limit the crowding of people in public places.
Now over three weeks
on, things have drastically changed. In the beginning there were just
400 cases isolated to the northern region of the country. Now Italy
has over 12,000 cases and the whole country has been put inside the
red zone. The authorities have ordered us to all stay at home.
Everything is shut beside food shops and pharmacies and only one
person per family is permitted to enter these places. Any travel
throughout the country is strictly prohibited – the only exceptions
are on special request and have to be movements motivated by proven
work needs, situations of necessity or health. If you don't follow
these rules and your movements are deemed unlawful - you could face
up to 3 months of arrest, a fine of up to 260 euros and even between
1 and 12 years in prison. These are serious times and Italy is doing
all it can to halt this spread of this virus. But is it too late?
I remember a few months
ago here in Italy, I was teaching a class and a few children made a
joke about the coronavirus in China. I suppose back then we didn't
really think anything of it. It wasn't really anything to worry about
as we went about our daily lives as normal. Going to school, going to
work, going out to a restaurant with friends, going to a bar for your
breakfast, being able to shake hands, hug or kiss someone else. Maybe
we didn't see it coming but here we are - in lockdown just like
China.
It's true the virus is
only really fatal for old people and people with very weak immune
systems. But we all have to make these sacrifices to preserve life
and limit the spread and enormity of this problem. The hospitals are
overflowing. It's a crisis for the health system. There are numerous
campaigns here in Italy seeking donations from the public to provide
the hospitals with the materials they need such as masks to keep the
staff from contracting the virus.
There's a post on
Instagram that is trending. A young nurse facing this health
emergency writes that she's scared not of going grocery shopping –
she's scared to go to work. She's scared because the mask might not
fit her face well or she may have accidentally touched herself with
dirty gloves. Her message is that “We young people are not immune
to coronavirus, we can get sick too, or worse we can make you sick. I
have to go to work and do my part. You do yours. I ask you please.
Stay at home.” The hashtag #stiamoacasa (#weareathome) is trending
as people recognise that staying at home is the only way we can
combat the growing spread of this virus.
But it is not all doom
and gloom. Despite the distances we have to maintain between other
people, there is a unity as the nation and communities come together
to battle these times of crisis. In the last few days all over
Malonno, handmade banners with rainbows have appeared outside houses
with the words "andrà tutto bene" (it will all be okay) - a reminder to
people to maintain their hope in these times. We are still allowed to
go out for a walk or a run as long as we maintain the distances from
other people and it is heart warming to walk down the street and
receive something so simple as a smile or to exchange a few words
with a friend or stranger. The sun is shining and you can kind of
pretend that this crisis isn't happening... until you turn a corner
and see someone walking their dog with a mask covering their face and
gloves on their hands. This is the reality we are living in now but
it helps to try to remain positive.
For me I'm just so glad
I'm in lockdown in such a beautiful place here in the mountains in
Malonno. At least here I can still go into the woods and follow the
paths up into the mountains where I know I won't meet anyone and I
can still gain the headspace and moments of movement I crave in the
open air. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for
people in cities all across the country and for those who have
contracted the virus and have to self isolate for 40 days. I know I
am very lucky to live here – now more than ever.
And to think about the
impact that this virus has had on the up and coming mountain running
season.... who knows what will happen? We have to just take it as it
comes. The guys over at adidasTERREX made the difficult but wise
decision to cancel the #oneteam training camp scheduled for next week
in Fuerteventura and with all sporting events here in Italy prohibited
until the end of this lockdown on April 3rd – who knows
what will happen after that? Will we still be in lockdown or will
life go back to normal? Who knows?
I had planned to go
back to Wales for a few days in April to visit my family and then my
grandmother was going to come and stay with me in Malonno to get a
taste of the life I live here. Obviously none of this will be
happening now. The flights are all cancelled and I don't know when I
will see my family again. This makes me sad, of course it does. But I
am also so glad that the internet exists and we can keep in touch. It
helps to remain positive, so I'm using these strange times as a
chance to concentrate on my training. It's a bit like a training camp
but alone and with a strange eerie silence outside. I'm also using
the time to try to sharpen up my Italian skills - maybe becoming
properly fluent by April 3rd is a bit of a challenge but
who knows maybe my next blog post will be in Italian!?
When this crisis is
finally over and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, can
you imagine how amazing it will be to be able to once again go about
life as normal. To go shopping with the whole family, go to a bar
with some friends, go to school, go to work, get in the car and drive
to a nearby town for an ice cream just because you feel like it and
all the other things. If nothing else these hard times are teaching
us to appreciate the life we live. To appreciate what we had and what
we will have again. To appreciate the little moments where the light
shines in.
We are all making
sacrifices. We are all living these crazy disturbing times. But we are
all alive. What a wonderful gift that is. And so this morning I was inspired by a dandelion. It made me think... "what is my wish?" My
wish is that we all stay happy and healthy. If you feel alone in
these times just look up at the sky - look up to the stars. Someone
else, somewhere on this wonderful planet is looking at them too. We
are all connected and everything is going to be okay. "andrà tutto bene"
It's quite often like
this. I often feel the need to write something. For those that
know me; you'll know that I'm a quiet person. I don't say much. I
don't really feel the need to talk lots. Instead - inside my head is
where it all happens. I'm always thinking, feeling, dreaming.
Sometimes I have to write things down to really understand what it is
that's going on. This explosion of words on paper has always been a
journey of self discovery to uncover my layers. I guess
I could say it's part of who I am.
I'm not really sure
where this is going but hang in there with me and let's see if I can
make something of this. I'm currently sat at my kitchen table typing
away - belly full after creating some kind of aubergine lasagna for
dinner alongside a big hearty salad and some freshly baked bread. I'm
feeling content. I'm feeling free. I can't get enough of this simple
life. Seven months ago - I packed my bags and started off on my summer
adventure in the mountains. Now seven months on - I'm living alone
in the place that I am so lucky to now call my home; Malonno, Italy.
I'm 22 years old and
I'm living alone in a foreign country where my language skills aren't
great. Wouldn't you think I'd be lonely? Wouldn't you think I'd get homesick? Well the answer is yes. Sometimes I do feel lonely.
Sometimes I do get homesick and miss my family. Sometimes I long to
wake up and be able to start the day around the breakfast table with
my parents. Sometimes I'd do anything to be able to run to the top of
Little Hill above Llandrindod Wells and feel the strong welsh wind
caress my face and the bog in my shoes and be in a place that I know
like the back of my hand. Of course I feel these things. My whole
life has rearranged and everything has changed. But it's normal. It's normal to miss the
past, the old you, the things that have happened, the childhood that
makes you who you are. But isn't it so wonderful when you wake up one
day and realise you are the person in charge of your
life. Your life is a vast glowing empty page and you can make the
story move in any direction you choose.
And so I'm living alone
and I'm learning to grow up. I'm learning how to adult, even though
sometimes I feel like adulting is soup... and I am a fork. I'm learning
that you need to call yourself out on your own shit because there's
no one there to do it for you. Mostly I'm going with the idea that
nothing can stop me from building this magical, inspiring,
invigorating life that I want to create for myself. I don't have to
try to move mountains. I just have to breathe – in, out and be me.
And I feel so full of gratitude to have this opportunity to build my
life here, in Malonno - the home of mountain running. The place that first inspired me almost three years ago. To be able to hang out the
kitchen window and watch the last rays of sunlight kiss the mountain
tops before dusk. Alpine glow - has anyone ever told you how
beautiful it is? You just wait until you see it with your own eyes.
I'm here because I long to be in a place where my dreams have the
opportunity to run off the edges of the world. Here my dreams reach
up to the tops of the mountains, up into the sky and touch the stars.
Here I don't just feel the magic of Malonno... I feel my own.
I'm a firm believer
that everything comes to you at the right moment. You just have to be
patient, grateful and work hard for what you want. When I first
started out running I couldn't of ever imagined the opportunities being involved in this sport have given me. In fact I still
remember as a twelve year old qualifying to run for Wales for the
first time at a cross country race in Ireland and being so full of
excitement and enthusiasm for the opportunity to go to another
country and represent my own. Fast forward almost ten years and I'm
so humbled to be able to say I've just signed my first two-year
contract with adidas TERREX and am joining the #oneteam alongside truly inspiring human beings. I'm beyond excited for this development in my running career and am so looking forward to where this journey will take me and the doors this will open. Sometimes I still have to pinch myself that all this is real. Needless to say I'm so full of inspiration and enthusiasm right now. The 2020 mountain running season is still just over two months away but I'm looking forward to heading to Fuerteventura next month for the adidas TERREX team training camp. I can't wait to meet all the other athletes and get this ball rolling. I feel like this really is the start of something wonderful. A huge you for adidas TERREX for this amazing opportunity and to the people that helped make it happen.
And so really what do I want to say with this rambling blog post? I guess what I want to say is - it's okay if you don't have it all figured out yet. Wherever you want to be, whatever dream it is that you want to come true, whatever you want to do with your life... You will get there. But right now, you are here. You are alive and you are breathing. You are dreaming and you are believing. Take it easy. Don't over complicate things. Live your simple life. You are free. How wonderful is that.
For my 21st birthday at the start of the year, my parents gave me a bracelet. Engraved on it are the words "she believed she could, so she did" In the dark and in the light, these words have travelled with me everyday. These words have guided me forward along my journey, no matter where I've been... Wales, Italy, America, Patagonia and all the other places in-between. On my wrist I have a constant reminder of my strength - even when I have felt weak. And in my heart I have a constant reminder of my parents love - no matter how far apart we are. My parents and family have given me the roots - the strength to hold myself still and steady in an ever-changing and unpredictable world but also the branches to grow and to flourish. To be whoever and whatever I wish to be. If only I'm brave enough to believe...
Because...
I was lost. I was so lost... climbing through the dark forests of my mind. The walls I built myself. The restrictions I placed on my body. The box I put myself into. There seemed to be no way out. I was well and truly stuck. I had no strength to climb out. No energy. Limbs of lead and a mind of dread.
Now I can look back and smile at what I thought I wanted. The stupidity of the life I was living. The guilt, the shame. The constant comparison. Now I look back and remember most of all, just how constantlyhungry I felt. That isn't anyway to live a life. The isn't any way to exist. There is so much more to life than the shape of your body. What matters most is the shape of your mind. Maybe I didn't go through all that for nothing. Maybe it's a chapter of my story that I'm ashamed of... but it's still part of the book. Without it I wouldn't be me. Without it I wouldn't now be so free.
Now the tank is full. No offense to me, but what the hell do I think I was doing?
Choosing to change. Choosing to put more forkfuls of food in my mouth, choosing to be more than just skin and bone, choosing to break the cycle - it was the hardest decision. But once there was a tiny tiny crack, soon all the walls I had built myself came tumbling down and the light came pouring in. And just how golden is the sunlight? How warm and amazing it feels, to love and accept yourself, as you are - even when you are still growing. Even when you are not yet where you want to be. When you are still on your journey. You cannot live your life constantly at war with yourself. We live in a rainbow of chaos. How beautiful it is to try to understand the colours of your mind and to leave your fear behind.
I was basically starving myself. Barely eating breakfast, surviving off of a piece of fruit at lunch time or a scrap of lettuce and then letting myself eat a meal in the evening... because I had "earned it" after being "good" and "healthy" all day. It wasn't sustainable. Of course it wasn't. The weight fell off me. I became skin and bone. Honestly sometimes it hurt to sit down because my bones were sticking out so far and I had no healthy cushioning skin. It took me a long time to see what I was doing to myself. To see that being so stick skinny was unhealthy. To see that missing your period for almost 2 years isn't normal. To see that being so tired and so goddamn hungry all the time isn't the way to live your life. It took me a long time to wake the hell up, to stop being so stubborn and to start to try to dig myself out of the hole before it became too late.
But somehow I have done it. Now I'm sat here writing this in the company of some chocolate which I'm nibbling as I go along. And no I'm not eating this chocolate because I have "earned it". I'm eating it because I want to eat it and enjoy it. Simple as that. There are no worrying thoughts in my head about how fat I'll become after a few pieces of a sugary treat. Tomorrow I won't have to skip breakfast and lunch all together because I'm eating these calories now. I'll eat a big bowl of porridge for breakfast before going to work. I'll go running and then come back home to a cup of coffee and a snack before also eating lunch. For some you won't see how much of a step forward this is but for me this is huge.
As I wrote before in my previous blog post, I don't know exactly why I went through this period of many many months barely eating, but maybe it was just something I had to go through. I had to break to realise how strong I can be. It's okay to be confused, to be stressed, to be a mess. But it's not okay to stay like it. I've said it before and I'll say it again - you can't spend your life living at war with yourself. You've got to rediscover your healthy balance. The place where you glow. The place where you allow yourself to grow, to become better. It doesn't happen over night and you can't do it alone. But you can do it. It's a beautiful feeling when you choose being real over being perfect.
If I think back to this time last year. I was struggling. I was on crutches, nursing another stress response after a summer of running fast without fueling properly. Again I hit the brick wall, and I had to stop. Stop running, stop moving, stop, stop, stop. And only because it was something I had brought on myself. I'm not here to throw a self pity party. I don't want sympathy. I'm here because I have come out the other side and if I can help someone in any little way by sharing this story then I see that I didn't go through all that self centered crap for nothing.
Because really how ridiculous was I being. There are people starving all over the planet, people without a roof over their heads, living in the streets. So many people less fortunate than me and here I was spending my days stressing over the fact that I thought if I ate one more forkful of food, I would become fat and not be able to run fast. Maybe it's a result of the privileged society we live in - the fact that so many people feel like they should already have their life "figured out", to have control over every tiny aspect. But if this year has taught me anything it's to just relax and break away from the obsession. To be free.
So much has changed over the past 12 months for me. I've moved out of my home with my family. I'm living alone for the first time in my life. I'm living in a different country. I've changed jobs. I've changed running clubs. And that's only a few. There are so many other changes that moving to Italy has brought about. However the biggest change has been in my mind.
I'm learning to not be so hard on myself for feeling lost, confused or like I haven't achieved what I wanted to achieve. I'm learning to surround myself with truths. We're all human, we all make mistakes, we all mess up sometimes. This is okay. I'm learning healing is a process that takes time and feeling. Life is journey. As long as you are moving, you are doing okay.
I'm learning that I'm so much more than how fast I can run. I'm so much more than the number on the weighing scales. There's is so so so much more to life than being able to run fast. Yes okay - you can run fast... you can win a race. You can cross the finish line in first place with a big smile on your face. Maybe that will make you happy for a short while but if you are not happy in yourself; if you are not strong and balanced in your mind then the happiness this success brings is short-lived. Yes being able to run fast makes me feel happy, but there is so much more to my internal happiness than this. I'm learning to love the process of everyday small victories. To feel both grounded and free. To smile despite the mistakes I've made.
Everyone is on their own journey, everyone has their own personal steps to take. But sometimes you need a little helping hand from the people around you. Ultimately we are all connected. We can grow and flourish by lifting others. This is what makes us human. The connections we share are what makes life wonderful. We are all part of the whole. Let's raise each other up, finding the light fostering within yourself and the people around you. It is like this that we can all grow and ultimately glow in each others light. I feel so grateful for the people who have surrounded me and made this year so wonderful. The new friends made, the old friendships strengthened and the moments we have all shared. It would be impossible to name everyone but thank you all... for sharing this journey and for being who you are.
And so what now?
2019 is nearly at a close and so many things have happened. I've had so many highs and so many lows as we all have, but I've learnt to move with the flow. Malonno is now where I live and I couldn't feel more at home here. I feel so lucky and fortunate to be living this life. To wake up each morning and to see the mountains reaching up to the sky constantly humbled by their strength and beauty. Sometimes I have to pinch myself that this is my life now. To have been welcomed so warmly by the people here and to have found a second family. To be teaching English in local schools and to be opening up my mind to the Italian language... piano piano, I'm getting there. Soon I will heading back to Wales to spend Christmas with my family and I'm so looking forward to seeing everyone at home in Wales again before my parents and brother come to Malonno in the new year. Hopefully they will then be able to understand why I've chosen this life.
2017 - I first had this crazy dream. To make Malonno my home.
2019 - It's a reality.
Yes I'm that crazy girl from Wales who decided to change her life completely and move to a small town in the Northern Italian mountains. The girl who decided that she could be stronger than her fear. The girl who decided to go for it. Because why not? You never know what's coming next. But what an adventure it is... the dreaming, the living, the doing, the finding out. Take chances, take so many chances... because in the end it will always work out the way it should. You'll be where you're meant to be.
I can't get enough of this simple life.
Some things take insane bravery. But after that, you'll be free.
October the season of change a life rearranged autumn late afternoon sun casting long shadows over the earth the damp soil beneath your fingers as you clear away unwanted grass and weeds the preparation for next years' harvest october days it's the smoky smell of roasting chestnuts drifting on the calm breeze the trickle of dead leaves dancing in glee a newfound burst of life playing with gravity before kissing the ground lightly softly softly in contrast to the thudding chestnuts tumbling down with a bang it's learning to live alone to love your solitude to not feel lonely to gaze upwards to the blue sky the mountains way up high and to feel alive it's the sticky dough you knead with your fingers praying your attempt at your first sour dough loaf will not be in vain it's the flour you manage to spread all over the kitchen and consequently traipse all over the house to accompany the mud you've already brought in from the garden it's the phone call you make to your mother on her 50th birthday the distance between you nothing compared to the connection love and affection you share it's the clockwork half hour chime of the church bells knowing odecla is always a few seconds early adding a counterpoint to the cowbells a constant melody of life in the valley “ciao” “bouna corsa" barking dogs it's the crunch of dry leaves beneath your feet as you bounce along the narrow paths through the woods just hoping one day you may be so lucky to come eye to eye with the famous bear or maybe even a tiger it's the gush of the streams in summer - dry as a bone but now with torrents of rain nothing remains the same it's the slip away of the sun slowly tentatively and then all at once sliding behind the mountains dipping the valley into dusk and all too soon the darkness of night when you light your candles read your books drink your tea and feel so free to do as you please it's learning to grow up to be honest with who you are to follow your heart to live the life you imagined the thrall of the unfamiliar it's trusting the timing of your life and trusting in the kindness of strangers in this place it's in the gelato the pumpkin pizza tiramisù coffee you eat and drink with new found friendships built even across the language barrier it's being so grateful for the acceptance and welcome you've experienced these people taking you under their wing it's being full of gratitude for the life you've found here it's the sleepy silence draped over the town like a warm cosy blanket at 4pm on a late sunday afternoon it's craving the simple life knowing very little is needed to be happy and content wandering and wondering living close to the earth knowing your own and each others' worth connections possibilities reaching out castles in the air towers of dreams sky high there's no map for this the fortress of your imagination boundless unique and pure
october it's knowing within the lingering light dreams can take flight
it's knowing here the warmth felt deep in your bones is real and whole here is where you are meant to be here you are home
