This is how I want to live. Live a life - free. A life I create for myself. Wake up with the sun, go to bed with the moon. Walk through the woods, gaze up at the stars, climb mountains, touch the sky with my fingers tips. I don't want to live my life in chains. I want to move with the seasons, breathe deeply, feel the earth move around me. I want to really live this life whilst I'm in it. Live simply and slowly - it doesn't have to be complicated.
I want to make a difference to the world around me. Be a part of the community - lift each other up rather than tearing each other down. I want to live in a small house close to the woods, with a garden. I want to grow my own vegetables, read my books, perhaps one day raise my own children surrounded by love, laughter and nature.
I want to reconnect with myself, with parts of me I've been hiding. I want to feel the sun on my skin - really feel it. I want to feel the wind in my hair - really feel it. I want to gaze at the world around me with eyes full of wonder, for there are so many possibilities. There is so much freedom. Wildness enchantment is a necessity that calls to me now and it starts with myself and my journey within. Self-love, acceptance and growth is a chapter I've always wanted to write but I've never been able to fully commit. This time I really want to mold into my own shape and not just become what is expected of me. I have to come back to myself - to my deepest core, my calling. What calls to me in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is silent?... When I want to be like a wolf and howl at the moon?
I don't know if I want to run and compete properly again. There I said it. This season I ran some races, put myself out there on the starting line, felt the pain, the passion and enjoyed it to some extent. But something was missing - the desire. The desire to be the best, the desire to push myself like I used to. I think it's a good time now to explore my relationship with myself deeper, perhaps without putting competing into the equation. Running is something I love doing, I love exploring the world by foot. But I honestly don't feel any desire within me to be the fastest and the fittest girl anymore. I don't feel inspired to win a race. For a while, I hated myself for this. I tried to block out these thoughts, I judged myself for even feeling like this. I said to myself; "But Heidi, what are you going to do with your life if you aren't just pushing, pushing, pushing yourself all the time to be the best, fastest, strongest version of yourself. What are you going to do if you don't run fast like you used to. Who are you if you don't do that?" Finally I have the answers. I'm still me. Nothing changes! I am still happy. In-fact I think taking this pressure and expectation off of myself actually allows me to see things clearly for the first time in a very long time.
It's time to heal my relationship with myself, running, my body image by just taking some deep breathes and taking it easy. Letting go. Nobody ever put any of this pressure on my shoulders. It was just me. Now, I'm finally learning how to let go of that.
I stumbled across a short clip of a cross country race the other day and the thought I had surprised me; "But really, how stupid is this sport? Why do we always have to be competing?" This made me dive deeper. It's not that running or cross country or any form of racing is stupid - far from it. It's that running and racing is so ingrained into me - the competition - it's been who I am for way over half my life and it's actually somehow messed up my relationship with myself. Sometimes this competition can be toxic. I've been in a constant competition - a constant battle against myself for so long. I never was good enough. I always wanted more, more, more. It's one of the reasons I shrunk myself down, why I starved myself and kept pushing. It gave me some form of self control - something I could hold onto. Pushing myself everyday to fight the hunger, fight the pain - that way I felt worthy. How messed up was all this.
But it doesn't have to be that way anymore. These past few years have forced me to address this and I think finally I have come out the other side. I've changed. Hopefully for the better. It's not true that I'm not enough, or even that I'm too much. The truth is I'm just me. With my dark sides and those full of light. Other people aren't better, or worse, they are just themselves too - fighting their own battles and living their own lives as well. I've opened my eyes and realised that actually my faults are not terrible. It doesn't always depend on me. I don't have to keep pushing, pushing, pushing. Let it go, let it all go.
I can't help who I am, that I'm always feeling so much, so deeply. I don't know how to live any other way. I want to live a deeper life. I sit here, in my rented apartment, miles and miles away from my family, from the place where I grew up. Miles and miles away from the safe shore. Here is my sea, my life. Smooth waves never built a strong sailor.
It's kind of crazy - literally I'm 24 years old and living by myself in a foreign country. I can literally do whatever I want with my life. I have nobody telling me how I should or shouldn't behave... nobody to tell me what I should be doing. I could literally get out of bed tomorrow morning and decide to take my life in a completely different direction, do something new... be a different version of myself. It all comes back to myself, what do I want to do with my life? What makes me feel happy and alive and like I'm the truest version of myself? When I go into nature - when I put pen to paper - when I'm in the woods, in the mountains - when I run - when I'm teaching kids.
My life is literally in my own hands. It's scary, terrifying but also somehow so thrilling. I can't even begin to contemplate it really. I guess I should just keep living, one day at a time. Time flies - I want to live this life whilst I'm here, not just exist.
It's not true that you wake up one day and suddenly things are different. The truth is that with time it's you who changes, when you realise you've had the power all along. You can do anything you want with your life. You have the possibility to choose whether to see the good or the bad, the dark or the light.
I want to live in the simple magic of everyday.
The most beautiful part of your body is where it's headed - remember that.
With love,
Heidi x
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