Stuck

I sometimes wonder if it's all worth it. Why I feel the need to run, to pin a number on my vest and do a race. I started running in my last year of primary school - 14 years later I'm still battling on - but why?

It's part of what makes me, me. But the trouble is when I get injured and I'm forced to stop, I feel stuck. October 2022 - my hip hurts. Again. It's the same nagging boney pain as usual.

It's only been a few days but I can already feel myself losing balance. It's a familiar nagging pain at my hip that tugs at my heart. Please, not again. I can't do another winter on crutches. Maybe it's my fault, my history with RED-s, maybe I pushed too much this season and got carried away with being able to race again. Did you know it can take up to 200 days for your bones to completely turn over and recover after a stress fracture? Did you know it takes several YEARS for your bone mineral density to return to normal after suffering from RED-s?

I started the year with a stress fracture, I surely don't want to end the year with one too.

So decide. Is this the life you want to live? I don't want to keep going through this same cycle, I don't want to keep feeling this pain - both physical & mental. This is not the reality I imagined as a young girl growing up through the sport of running. This is not the reality I want future generations of athletes to grow into either.

I know after many years of battling against my body I have to trust it. The nagging pain I feel is perhaps my body only telling me to slow down, have a break. I really hope to have caught it early enough this time around before any real damage is done.

Whatever happens, happens. I look up to the mountains surrounding me and I know I'm so lucky. I came to Malonno to run but Malonno has taught me I'm so much more than just Heidi the runner. I'm so many other things too and it helps to remember that. I have to smile despite my struggles. The sun still shines, the sky's still blue. I know despite everything, even if the process is taking longer than I thought, I've already come so far. What matters is that I'm still here, still trying despite it all.