Cari Malonnesi

In fondo forse sono ancora quella ragazza timida e piena di insicurezza che è scesa dal treno ormai più di 3 anni fa - il 16 luglio 2019, pronta per iniziare la sua avventura a Malonno. In teoria dovevo restare solo per l'estate, ma quelle belle giornate estive mi hanno regalato il sogno più grande della mia vita... di rendere Malonno casa mia. 

Quindi eccoci qua, dicembre 2022... sono una ragazza gallese che vive nella vostra comunità. Ma più che altro sono Malonnese, sono una di voi. Lo sento davvero nel mio cuore. Sono così felice di chiamare questo piccolo paese casa mia. Chi mi conosce bene sa che io non sono una ragazza di tante parole, ma sento tutto dentro di me - e questa cosa che sento è una sensazione meravigliosa, una sensazione di casa.

Malonno mi ha reso la ragazza che sono oggi. Malonno mi ha dato la forza di uscire dalla mia zona di comfort, di crescere. Ho dovuto imparare una nuova lingua, imparare una nuova cultura, un nuovo modo di vivere... da sola in un paese straniero a miglia di distanza dalla mia famiglia. Ma ho scelto Malonno, scelgo Malonno e continuerò a scegliere Malonno. 

Tante cose sono successe quest'anno, tante sensazioni, troppe emozioni... non riesco nemmeno ad esprimerle tutte. Come ben sapete, a settembre 2021 sono andata via da Malonno per motivi personali, ma senza Malonno non ero più me stessa, stavo vivendo la vita di qualcun altro e non ero felice. Sapevo che dovevo trovare la strada per tornare da voi... e a marzo mi avete accolta ancora un'altra volta a braccia aperte. Lo ricordo ogni giorno quando cammino per strada, ci incontriamo, ci salutiamo, sono eternamente grata. Mi accettate per chi sono, anche con gli errori che ho fatto e le battaglie dentro di me... e so che non è qualcosa da dare per scontato.

Mi avete conosciuto come la ragazza che ha vinto la vostra gara FlettaTrail nel 2019... ma ormai avete capito che non sono più quella campionessa della corsa in montagna ... non sono più quell'atleta magra, insostenibile e malsana... ora sono quella ragazza che stava morendo dalla fatica negli ultimi metri del PizTri con le lacrime agli occhi mentre tutti voi urlavate il mio nome. Sono quella ragazza che ha corso FlettaTrail con un grande sorriso sulla sua faccia cavalcando l'onda dell'emozione che mi avete regalato correndo sui sentieri di casa che ormai conosco come le mie tasche. 

Mi avete insegnato che l'importante è provarci sempre... tutti i giorni e non solo quando splende il sole e vado in PizTri e mi sento come se potessi toccare il cielo con la punta delle dita... ma anche nei giorni in cui è più difficile vedere la luce. Non sono più l'atleta veloce com'ero una volta... ma correndo lungo i nostri sentieri quest'estate, forse ero l'atleta più felice ed è questo che conta... mola mia!!!

Sono felice di poter usare le mie capacità e avere l'opportunità di insegnare inglese a scuola, di poter fare parte del direttivo Unione Sportiva Malonno , aiutare organizzare il weekend del FlettaTrail Malonno... di poter fare parte di questa comunità in diversi modi. Spero davvero tanto di riuscire a dare qualcosa in dietro a una comunità che mi ha già dato così tanto... di essere utile e di fare la differenza anche se solo in piccola parte. Perché Malonno mi ha anche insegnato che la vita è molto più bella quando la condividi con le persone intorno a te.

In questa vita dopo tutte le cose che vanno e vengono, c'è sempre qualcosa che resta. Come quella canzone di Jovanotti "se te lo spiegano non capirai, ma se lo senti lo sai" e quindi non servono tante parole... ogni giorno sento qualcosa dentro di me... Malonno Magic. 

Malonno - grazie di cuore, veramente. La gente, le montagne, questa vita semplice qui - mi fate stare bene - mi ispirate sogni belli - mi fate sorridere il cuore.

Solo chi sogna può volare... e qua a Malonno anche nei giorni più difficili so che sto vivendo il mio sogno. Non ho ancora incontrato tutta me stessa, so che sto crescendo qui... lo siamo tutti... ed è una bella cosa vivere questa cosa meravigliosa si chiama vita insieme a voi. 

Non voglio vivere una vita perfetta, voglio vivere una vita felice... come una bambina a Natale... Malonno, sei il mio regalo di Natale più bello... tutti i giorni. 

Grazie, grazie... grazie di cuore. 

Quindi no, non sono più quella ragazza che è scesa dal treno nel 2019... 

Pota, sono Heidi... e son di Malon!!!

Tanti auguri di buone feste! 🎄

Un grande abbraccio a tutti voi.

Con tanto affetto,

Heidi ❤️‍🔥

self-centered

I used to be so self-centered. I cared so much about how many miles I ran a week, how many steps I did a day, how many forkfuls of food I put or didn't put in my mouth, the number on the scales, how fast I could run, how many races I could win.... Tunnel vision. It was all that mattered, if I didn't focus on these things then I was a failure. When I take a step back and look at myself now, I realise how much things have changed... how much I've changed. A part of me will always want to be an athlete and get the best out of myself but I think "being an athlete" shouldn't put this much control over you. I don't know, maybe I was just doing it all wrong.

These days I run when I feel like it. I lace up my trainers and head out the door because I want to, not because I feel forced by some inner-voice inside me telling me that I have to go and run because that's what I do in this life. These days I'm not running to try and beat the other girls or to try and prove something to the people around me. I run because I know it's part of who I am, part of what makes me, me. But I finally realise there are so many other parts of me too. I don't just have to be Heidi-that girl who runs.

When you stop being so self-centered and actually look.. I mean really see the world around you, you realise you have the power to do whatever it is you want to do with this life. One day you wake up and realise yes, it does have to start with you. You are just the ocean in one drop, one drop in the ocean. There are so many people, so many lives you can touch. There is so much sky above us, so many lives, opportunities, experiences to be lived. You don't have to be restricted by the walls you built yourself. A beautiful thing happens when you knock these walls down brick by brick... The first glimpse of freedom, a glimpse of life. The life only you can create for yourself.

Living by myself in a foreign country, having to learn a new language, a completely different way of life has helped me grow so much. Spending so much time with kids teaching them English - I'm living this life through their eyes too - eyes full of childhood wonder. So grateful for everything in life right now 💛

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...but have you ever danced in the rain?

my two feet 

planted on this rickety wooden bridge

slippery wet with autumn leaves

water 

powerfully gushing 

underneath

sometimes a trickle

other times a torrent

it's there 

a constant flow

when i feel weak

when courage and bravery

are what i seek

i retrace my steps

to this bridge

the space between

what was - then

what could be - one day

and remind myself 

this bridge

this is now

the present 

continual movement

between one moment and the next

standing there in a daze

breathing deeply in and out

inhale 

exhale

the strength of water 

the force of nature

is part of me

it runs through my veins

just like on this october day

and the heavy downpour

the pitter patter

of rain

it called me out

onto the streets

whilst the rest of the town

seems still fast asleep

days like this

remind me where i came from

my childhood

the low cloud 

hanging 

suspended between the trees

speaks to me

it tells me of the dragon

how he ate the mountains

made them disappear

like he used to gobble up 

the rolling welsh hills

the grey blanket of smoke 

is all that remains

wrapped around my memories

a whole life rearranged

the cows

they gaze at me steadily 

just like the sheep

as i stroll by

a quizzical expression 

as if to ask why 

why go out in the rain

are you quite insane

but you wander through the puddles

and you feel a bit less of a muddle

you can't stop the rain

by telling it to stop

sometimes you have to let it pour

soak your skin

let the inside out

let the outside in

so you don't know where the rain stops

and where you begin

it's true

sunshine brings happiness

but have you ever danced in the rain?

Let it go

This is how I want to live. Live a life - free. A life I create for myself. Wake up with the sun, go to bed with the moon. Walk through the woods, gaze up at the stars, climb mountains, touch the sky with my fingers tips. I don't want to live my life in chains. I want to move with the seasons, breathe deeply, feel the earth move around me. I want to really live this life whilst I'm in it. Live simply and slowly - it doesn't have to be complicated. 

I want to make a difference to the world around me. Be a part of the community - lift each other up rather than tearing each other down. I want to live in a small house close to the woods, with a garden. I want to grow my own vegetables, read my books, perhaps one day raise my own children surrounded by love, laughter and nature. 

I want to reconnect with myself, with parts of me I've been hiding. I want to feel the sun on my skin - really feel it. I want to feel the wind in my hair - really feel it. I want to gaze at the world around me with eyes full of wonder, for there are so many possibilities. There is so much freedom. Wildness enchantment is a necessity that calls to me now and it starts with myself and my journey within. Self-love, acceptance and growth is a chapter I've always wanted to write but I've never been able to fully commit. This time I really want to mold into my own shape and not just become what is expected of me. I have to come back to myself - to my deepest core, my calling. What calls to me in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is silent?... When I want to be like a wolf and howl at the moon?

I don't know if I want to run and compete properly again. There I said it. This season I ran some races, put myself out there on the starting line, felt the pain, the passion and enjoyed it to some extent. But something was missing - the desire. The desire to be the best, the desire to push myself like I used to. I think it's a good time now to explore my relationship with myself deeper, perhaps without putting competing into the equation. Running is something I love doing, I love exploring the world by foot. But I honestly don't feel any desire within me to be the fastest and the fittest girl anymore. I don't feel inspired to win a race. For a while, I hated myself for this. I tried to block out these thoughts, I judged myself for even feeling like this. I said to myself; "But Heidi, what are you going to do with your life if you aren't just pushing, pushing, pushing yourself all the time to be the best, fastest, strongest version of yourself. What are you going to do if you don't run fast like you used to. Who are you if you don't do that?" Finally I have the answers. I'm still me. Nothing changes! I am still happy. In-fact I think taking this pressure and expectation off of myself actually allows me to see things clearly for the first time in a very long time. 

It's time to heal my relationship with myself, running, my body image by just taking some deep breathes and taking it easy. Letting go. Nobody ever put any of this pressure on my shoulders. It was just me. Now, I'm finally learning how to let go of that. 

I stumbled across a short clip of a cross country race the other day and the thought I had surprised me; "But really, how stupid is this sport? Why do we always have to be competing?" This made me dive deeper. It's not that running or cross country or any form of racing is stupid - far from it. It's that running and racing is so ingrained into me - the competition - it's been who I am for way over half my life and it's actually somehow messed up my relationship with myself. Sometimes this competition can be toxic. I've been in a constant competition - a constant battle against myself for so long. I never was good enough. I always wanted more, more, more. It's one of the reasons I shrunk myself down, why I starved myself and kept pushing. It gave me some form of self control - something I could hold onto. Pushing myself everyday to fight the hunger, fight the pain - that way I felt worthy. How messed up was all this. 

But it doesn't have to be that way anymore. These past few years have forced me to address this and I think finally I have come out the other side. I've changed. Hopefully for the better. It's not true that I'm not enough, or even that I'm too much. The truth is I'm just me. With my dark sides and those full of light. Other people aren't better, or worse, they are just themselves too - fighting their own battles and living their own lives as well. I've opened my eyes and realised that actually my faults are not terrible. It doesn't always depend on me. I don't have to keep pushing, pushing, pushing. Let it go, let it all go. 

I can't help who I am, that I'm always feeling so much, so deeply. I don't know how to live any other way. I want to live a deeper life. I sit here, in my rented apartment, miles and miles away from my family, from the place where I grew up. Miles and miles away from the safe shore. Here is my sea, my life. Smooth waves never built a strong sailor. 

It's kind of crazy - literally I'm 24 years old and living by myself in a foreign country. I can literally do whatever I want with my life. I have nobody telling me how I should or shouldn't behave... nobody to tell me what I should be doing. I could literally get out of bed tomorrow morning and decide to take my life in a completely different direction, do something new... be a different version of myself. It all comes back to myself, what do I want to do with my life? What makes me feel happy and alive and like I'm the truest version of myself? When I go into nature - when I put pen to paper - when I'm in the woods, in the mountains - when I run - when I'm teaching kids. 

My life is literally in my own hands. It's scary, terrifying but also somehow so thrilling. I can't even begin to contemplate it really. I guess I should just keep living, one day at a time. Time flies - I want to live this life whilst I'm here, not just exist. 

It's not true that you wake up one day and suddenly things are different. The truth is that with time it's you who changes, when you realise you've had the power all along. You can do anything you want with your life. You have the possibility to choose whether to see the good or the bad, the dark or the light. 

I want to live in the simple magic of everyday. 

The most beautiful part of your body is where it's headed - remember that. 

With love, 
Heidi x

 

I wrote a book!

"steps and stories" by Heidi Davies

It's something I wrote a couple of years ago when I was struggling with my first stress fracture. I never had the courage to do anything with it, but recently I've put it all together and added the finishing touches. I'm so excited to announce that it'll be available to purchase from NOVEMBER 5th online on Amazon or directly from me.

~~~

"steps and stories" is a collection of poetry.

It's inspired by rolling hills, mountains, tall trees and sunsets. It's inspired by autumn leaves - the changing seasons. It's inspired by putting one foot in front of the other, over and over - the freedom. It's also the consequence of too much motion and being forced to stop. It's the result of dreaming. It's the result of living. It's the result of a young girl living with dreamer's disease.

It's a book of wonderings, inspired by a fascination for a life full of movement. A celebration of the thrill of the self-propelled adventure. Every footstep holds the power to unearth new worlds within and tell a story. These are just some of mine.

~~~

More details soon, I can't wait to share this with you all

Stuck

I sometimes wonder if it's all worth it. Why I feel the need to run, to pin a number on my vest and do a race. I started running in my last year of primary school - 14 years later I'm still battling on - but why?

It's part of what makes me, me. But the trouble is when I get injured and I'm forced to stop, I feel stuck. October 2022 - my hip hurts. Again. It's the same nagging boney pain as usual.

It's only been a few days but I can already feel myself losing balance. It's a familiar nagging pain at my hip that tugs at my heart. Please, not again. I can't do another winter on crutches. Maybe it's my fault, my history with RED-s, maybe I pushed too much this season and got carried away with being able to race again. Did you know it can take up to 200 days for your bones to completely turn over and recover after a stress fracture? Did you know it takes several YEARS for your bone mineral density to return to normal after suffering from RED-s?

I started the year with a stress fracture, I surely don't want to end the year with one too.

So decide. Is this the life you want to live? I don't want to keep going through this same cycle, I don't want to keep feeling this pain - both physical & mental. This is not the reality I imagined as a young girl growing up through the sport of running. This is not the reality I want future generations of athletes to grow into either.

I know after many years of battling against my body I have to trust it. The nagging pain I feel is perhaps my body only telling me to slow down, have a break. I really hope to have caught it early enough this time around before any real damage is done.

Whatever happens, happens. I look up to the mountains surrounding me and I know I'm so lucky. I came to Malonno to run but Malonno has taught me I'm so much more than just Heidi the runner. I'm so many other things too and it helps to remember that. I have to smile despite my struggles. The sun still shines, the sky's still blue. I know despite everything, even if the process is taking longer than I thought, I've already come so far. What matters is that I'm still here, still trying despite it all.

Connections

When I was younger it was more than normal for me to devour a couple of books a week, or I'd often be found sat in the corner of the garden scrawling down my own stories - elephants that could dance, dinosaurs that could climb trees, dogs that could talk. As I've got older this creative side of me hasn't been so dominant, but sometimes all it takes is a long hike in the mountains for this sense of childhood wonder to come rushing back.

That's why I go to the mountains, because it brings me back to who I am. The mountains... they're below me, above me, within me. Being outside immersed in nature has always enhanced my need to write - it's always lit a creative spark within me. Today more than ever. It's a creative flow that I won't even begin to try to understand - it's just something I trust in. The urge to race back down the mountainside and find some paper to pour out the story I've felt brewing in my head these past few months. Stories about this magical place. 

When you live close to nature something magical happens - it somehow becomes part of you. You wander along the same paths you've wandered along hundreds of times before and you realise it's never the same. As the seasons change and the world moves around you, something is always changing within you too. No matter what path we choose, what footsteps we take: we are all just stories, connections, journeys, movements. Forever evolving - we are all somehow part of every single person we've ever met in our life, all part of every place we've ever been. We are all full of stories worth telling. Connections... however big or small - I think they make this life beautiful ✨

Hunger

Everytime I pin a number on my vest this year I do it for me. To heal my messed up relationship with running, racing, nutrition, body image. To show myself that my worth doesn't change based on how fast I can run. My worth doesn't change based on how my body looks and feels. Just because I can't run as fast as I used to doesn't make me a failure, it doesn't make me weak ... Infact this journey makes me strong. Showing up is what counts. Courage isn't anything else other than taking one step more than you ever thought you could. 

My 24th birthday this year was celebrated by an MRI scan revealing my 3rd stress fracture... This year I've met the weakest version of myself... But also the strongest. Because I promised myself I'd find my way back to running, find my way back to Malonno, because in those dark days I promised myself I'd find a way back to myself again ... And here I am. I don't know where I'm going from here but I'm sure as hell enjoying the ride. 

Recovering from RED-s has been far from easy, but now my body has the energy it needs to do amazing things, to run in the mountains with a huge smile on my face. At the same time I don't think my relationship with food will ever be 100% completely healed. I have moments where I doubt my self worth, when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see and I feel myself wanting to fall back into the trap of restricting, to shrink myself down. But instead of obeying these voices I force myself to examine these thoughts... it's because I want to feel that control again. The control that makes me feel worthy. For people who have never experienced these things maybe it's hard to understand. But after my experience I believe being "fully healed" is a myth, an eating disorder is something you have to proactively keep on top of. You can't suddenly heal an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise overnight but I think the scary process of healing is so much healthier than continuing to restrict and binge on food your entire life. Feeling comfortable in my own body isn't just about how it looks, it all starts from within. It's okay to have days when I question myself, when I question this journey I'm on. But hunger is essential, hunger is human and hunger needs to be honoured. Treat your body with respect, love and kindness and it'll repay you by allowing you to do the things you love. I'm learning to trust this journey. I'm trusting my body, trusting my own process, even if right now I'm not able to run as fast as I once could, I trust myself and my body enough to know that with patience and a lot of hard work I can get there by working on a healthier and more sustainable future, today and everyday. One step at a time. Consistency is key 🔑

Coming full circle

2016 - 18 year old Heidi finishes 3rd in the European Under 20 mountain running championships in Arco, Italy. A young healthy runner full of so much potential and so many dreams yet to fulfill. It was just the beginning...

2022 - 6 years on & 24 year old Heidi returns to Arco to support US Malonno MountainRunningTeamRace at Garda Trentino Trail & Malonno return home the trail running champions of Italy and Heidi returns home with a buzz inside

...

And now I'm back in Malonno trying to figure out what this buzz is. When you're an athlete who used to be able to compete against the best in the world sitting on the sideline and supporting when you're unable to run isn't always easy. I'll admit over the past year standing on the sidelines of races, I never really once felt comfortable in the environment. But something about this past weekend was different. Maybe it was the team atmosphere I felt within the Malonno team, a team I really feel like I belong to. A team I'm proud to be part of and includes and supports me even though right now I'm not competing - for this I am beyond grateful. Maybe it was the fact that we'd returned to Arco, a special place for me because of that championship in 2016. I remember that last sprint finish I made to take third place like it was yesterday. Whatever this buzz is, I feel like something has clicked inside me. I realise for sure now that the only person I've got anything to prove to is myself. I remember finishing in third place in 2016 and feeling proud of who I was and what I stood for and the hard work and determination it had taken to get me there and now finally after the past 6 years literally now as I'm writing this I realise what this buzz I feel is... I realise that despite everything I'm proud of the person I am today. This is a buzz of self acceptance. I accept myself for who I am at this moment. I'm proud of my 18 year old self for earning that bronze medal in 2016 and I'm proud of myself for standing on the sidelines on Saturday and enjoying the special day with the Malonno team and feeling part of something.

I finally accept the journey I've been on over these past few years. The ups and the downs, the stress fractures, the frustrations, the injuries the mistakes I've made are all part of me and have shaped me into this person I am today. In 2016 Heidi was a happy care free runner without the weight of the world on her shoulders, she didn't care about THE WEIGHT full stop. And finally 2022 we've come full circle. I could say that one day I'll make 18 year old Heidi proud and run again against the best in the world in a healthy and sustainable way... But to be honest I think the girl I am today would make 18 year old Heidi proud... because I realise I'm so much more than just a runner or someone who used to be able to run fast and win races. I run when I can because it makes me happy and makes me feel free. 18 year old Heidi was a good runner because she always ran with a smile on her face and she didn't care about what other people thought... That was her strength. She was proud of who she was. She was full of self acceptance... Maybe this buzz is the beginning of her return.

Arco 2016 - read my blog post here !